Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Heaven's Gate...

I'm having a real hard time now so didn't really want to post and be too negative. Its funny how some people think that just by the way you look on the outside or being a good loving caring person that you rarely have troubles or pain and your life is just "WONDERFUL"! Not! Its very hurtful because apperances can be so deceiving! Tomorrow a couple are coming to town to take me out to lunch. My real only true friends that I can trust, and they know they can trust me for sure! What a treat for me their visit! Its been a few months. I'm so used to being on my own all the time and not necessarily because I chose this believe me. Yes I'm independent but thats different. Won't get into detail. This couple well I call them my adopted mom and dad and they call me their adopted daughter. They are from the next town I used to live in when I was married. I think tomorrow will probably be the best most warm good heartfelt day for me in a long long time. They are senior citizens age 75 and the husband 84. Both strong people with lots of heart and inner strength. They are the only people that have been there for me supportive encouraging me on that "you can do it "B"!..since my divorce 7 years ago. I love them and they love me. The only ones who tell me how proud they are of me with all the hell I've been through all these years. I would do anything for them. They give me encouragement to go on and live my life. Sometimes I feel that I have turned the other cheek so much through much of my life that it should be on fire by now! Anyway instead of going on with the "woe is me" I'll just write what I wrote in my journal. One more thing thought I would like to leave you with though is this. I know having a family and the burdens that are hard that come with it, but I would just like to say if there is any caring any love there, any kind of "connection" however small it may be, DO NOT LET IT GO! I have no real family and I have no kids (yet I love kids and they me)but I wanted kids and tried for years in the past. There are such "voids" in my life. People at my age can say the most hurtful "assumptions" to you about that, being a lady my age that looks much younger then she really is.....I'm used to it, the total "false assumptions and judgments" about me. Anyway love your friends appreciate that they are there for you and any family you may have that acknowledges you don't let it go! Because many of us come from the most horrendous families you can ever imagine, and yes we are survivors.

Heavens Gate

When your laying there
gasping your last breath
I won't be there...
when your whispering your last "good-bye" to family
I won't be there...
I won't see your face
I won't hear what you say..
No I won't be there..
.
It's been almost 25 years now
hard to believe..
Since I had to walk away from all the dsyfunction
all the beatings..the yelling, the constant screaming
the inability to have emotions, love or feelings....
me, the "so called Black sheep" that spoke up
and "felt"......
You made the judgment call
you made the choice
and so did I...

You never even heard me
or asked me
you never heard my voice
you "assumed" and "gossiped"
behind my back all these years..
never knowing anything about me or my life...
Over 900 miles away..
all these years...
I am nothing to you...I don't exist to you..
I am not your daugther...
its such a void in my life
I watch others with family..
and sometimes I cry...

I would not "submit" to your religious dogma torture..
I'm evil I'm going to hell you always said..
You never cared...
how you tried to break me..
you wanted to kill my soul
but you never succeeded...

After 9/11 I reached out..
I tried and tried
I reached out through the years
to no avail...
I took risk
and all I got was tears..
I never existed to you anymore..
did I ever really?

You all assumed
you all never knew....
me....
who I am....

So no when your gasping your last breath
to say good-bye
I won't be there
for I'm not "allowed"
I'm not "invited"...
But I promise you
when you find yourself standing in that bright light
and you start walking through it
you will see me with the Angels
standing there from afar
waiting for you......
for you see I left the world
before you did....
and you never even knew..

I'm not going to spell check this out for I'm crying a bit and need to go...

I bet a lot of you are surpised...people usually are...whether in person or on the pc their always "stunned" that I don't have this "wonderful life" all the time just because of how I look on the "outside"...

I am sorry if I made anyone sad....that wasn't my intention...thanks for reading this..

Angel Blessings,
Rhiannon

8 comments:

jipzeecab said...

Enjoy visiting with your special friends..maybe a well timed pick-you-up for all concerned..

Rhiannon said...

Thanks Jip. It was a pretty nice time had by "all". Wish there were more good times like today!

Blessings,
Rhiannon

PrincessFiona said...

this is my very first time to visit your blog...I wonder how you were able to visit mine...and i'd like to thank you for leaving you link. Do you remember your comment in my http://lovenotesblog.blogspot.com/2005/09/thoughts-from-alley-mcbeal.html

About your post, im only 24 and just like you I'm independent."I'm so used to being on my own all the time"...it's not my choice, i just have to, because i have nobody hough i have lots of friends, well, i pressume you know what i mean...

I got to add this on my fave blog list!

sister celtic said...

I'VE GOT TEARS OF THANKFULNESS AND LOVE FLOWING DOWN MY CHEEKS.. I FEEL CLOSER TO YOU NOW THAN EVER AND YOUR WISHES AND PRAYERS FOR MY COUSIN AND I REUNION AFTER 45 YEARS.. IT WAS A MIRICLE.SHE NEEDS FAMILY AND SO DO I . I HAVE AN ADOPTED DAD AS MINE IS LIKE YOUR FAMILY.. YOU DESCRIBE ALOT OF THE ABUSE I ENDURED AND NEVER WAS I ALLOWED TO BE A CHILD CAREFREE.. LITTLE ADULT WITH ADULT SICK PROBLEMS IN THE HOLLYWOOD INDUSTRY. I HAVE JESUS CHRIST TO THANK FOR MY SURVIVAL AND WHO I AM NOW ..NOT PERFECT BUT I AM ABLE TO ACT SILY GOOFY AND BE A KIS AGAIN SAFE IN MY FATHERS ARMS AND CARE.. I'VE BEEN BLESSED BY MY PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP (NOT RELIGION) WITH JESUS.. GOD IS GOOD..AND WE ARE ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU ALWAYS.. I KNOW WHEN IT IS THE RIGHT TIME AND $$$ IS SAVED WE WILL GET YOU UP HERE FOR A VISIT AND YOU WILL FIT IN VERY WELL.. KNOW YOUR LOVED..

Carolyn said...

Rhiannon, your poem-- I could have written it to my own mother, it is so much describes my feelings. She "locked" me out of her life years ago for reasons I never understood. Like you, I have no children, but 3 stepchildren (I helped raise the 2 boys from 9, 12 to college) who are all grown now. I consider them family, yet there is still that void at get togethers because everyone is talking about who the grandbabies take after and of course I'm not real family so I become sensitive to things said. (You may have noticed on my Babcock Park post I didn't write much detail about the "family" part).

This is my 2nd marriage. My first husband didn't like kids so I was afraid to have them. I'm turning 46 so having any now is out of the question. I don't know if this happens to you, but sometimes other women tend to skip over me when they find out I had no kids, even if the conversation has nothing to do with kids. You are right, people can be very insensitive about things. I was lucky to have in-laws this time around that were wonderful and thoughtful people, like you describe your elderly friends here. Although they've both passed on, my adjustment to "stepmothership" (sounds kind of spacey, lol) was much easier due to them because they didn't compare me to the real mother like so many did the first few years.

Bless you for sharing and I hope you are feeling much better! You have us blogger friends here who really care too. It's surprising how much we have shared in such a short time. Your poem really "speaks" from your heart to mine and probably many others. Be well my friend :)

Rhiannon said...

Welcome Princessfiona, am happy to have you drop by. Yes I loved that Alley McBeal post you had. As a matter of fact I wrote it all down (my printer isn't working now) and was thinking of posting it with your permission of course. That post struck me in a personal way I connected to, as I think I mentioned to you.

Thank you for your understanding comment. Being independent, alone and on your own at 24 in the state of this world is not easy. I commend and respect you for it. I lived on my own at age 24 but those were years gone by and life was much less hard and complicated and less expensive then. Its not easy is it? I can relate. Yes, we can have many "acquaintances" that come and go in our lives, but I feel better just having a few very close friends, and that we are not only willing, but wanting to take the time to spend with one another, for its worth it. I don't see this very much and wish it would happen more often for more people in this life. Friendship Connections are very important, especially with the state of the world now.

You hang in there and I will see you on the other side of the blog world..Please drop by soon again.

Angel Blessing to you,
Rhiannon

Thank you sister celtic! Yes, your right "little adults" thats what we were for sure! We were their "little slaves" and we worked hard through our whole childhood. I was mowing lawns and helping my dad work on his car at age 4 or 5. I hated it but he watched and gave "instructions". I would get oil under the car on my face a lot changing the oil for him,etc..I now hate to this day to ever work on anything to do with cars. The neighborhood kids would make fun of us and ask why our parents treated us like slaves.

Im so glad your reunion worked out so great for you and your cousin. I hope Mary is doing much better.

Talk to you soon,
Angel Blessings,
Rhi

Carolyn, thanks so much for your understanding and you do seem to understand I can tell. I was married twice also, first time 8 years and he wanted kids bad, so there were difficult situations and I seemed to have done all the "work" on that to no avail. My second husband, who was the love of my life(my soulmate) for about 16 years it didn't matter to him, about kids or not, we just loved each other so much and our relationship was most important thing which I have many many happy memories of, yet it ended so tragically and so very hurtful.

Yes, not having kids "many" women throughout my life have "passed me by" because I didn't..and also being a single woman on my own now I kind of stick out like a sore thumb in neighborhoods where I have lived. In regards to being childless,they also can make the most shallow hurtful comments making many "assumptions" sometimes it would get rather embarassing or humiliating as people just don't know when to stop the constant "inquiring minds want to know". I think though my family was the most hurtful in the past. They were so "disappointed" in their daughter(me) who was the first one married did not give them a "grandchild" and thats all they seemed to care about not what I went through to try. But they got their grandkids when my other sisters got married. I so miss not having a relationship with my nephews and neices I think they would like me a lot but they have been told so much "crap" through the years they probably don't know what to think about me. Maybe one day I may get to see them, as they are adults now maybe they might chose to want to meet their aunt one day!

Am glad you have got your "little" family" and are happy..don't lose that hang onto it!

Dear kindred spirit, blessings upon you,
Rhiannon

Rhiannon said...

Longiron, thank you so much for you caring and thoughtful ways..it means a lot to me, more then you will know.

Blessings to you,
Rhiannon

Dreaming_Firefly said...

Dear Rhiannon,

People appreciate you for who you are.
Your courage in sharing
Your soft touch in writing.
Your talent in many little things.

You stand out,
With your heart so kind,
With your will so strong,
Yes, you are a survivor.

Take care.
Blessings to you.