Monday, December 27, 2010

Angels poem.....and my hope for the coming New Year

Angels Softness
watches over us
in darkest night
Edging into the dawn
and the other side of midnite
to mornings distant yawn..........
as the beginning of a new day
comes upon us......
to the awakening reality
of our distorted concepts.....

Morning birds
still chirp and sing
as we wait and wonder
when Freedom will Ring
once again

Written by Rhiannon (Barbara R.) Feb.2nd, 2007
*Copyrights owned by Barbara R.*

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Melanie - Do You very beautiful....sigh....

Please be patient and listen all the way will be worth it...

Stoneground Words - such an incredible song..Melanie..never thought I'd find this song by her on you tube.

"Clear is just another way to see, I feel to know"...."Cleanse in the ocean, bathe in the with the sea and I'll rise for the tide....oh,  I'm the rivers lovers, but I'll be the oceans bride".....what beautiful words and such essence of beauty, that Melanie always writes in her connection with nature, mother earth and father grounded to the reality of the way of true living,  that brings such wonder and true inner happiness to the heart and soul...

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Grand Funk Railroad - Inside Looking Out - 12/23/72...I know this is taped on old VHS but Mark is so fantastic in this song here!

And he still plays and sings the same nowadays...what a talent...I love his voice...clean living for so long right after this year, he can still rock, move, dance, sing, play fantastic guitar and harmonica, and other instruments...and wrote a lot of the songs..still does...I love Mark Farner and the former Grand Funk Railroad and they should be put in the Rock hall of fame...just based on Marks fantastic guitar work...and he's still got it!   But thanks to a Rolling Stone writer a few years back, Mark probably won't be put in the hall of fame...along with his talented guitar work...because this writer trashed him and Grand Funk so bad...oh well we can still enjoy.....just goes to show some of us just can't feel the "Funk" but I sure do and always will!...other than Laura Nyro, the Doors, Velvet Underground, Lou Reed, Nico and Melanie and yes even Eminem...Grank Funk Railroad is my favorite band to rock out the audience...aren't they a hoot? Rock out and feel good!....enough of this hate and anger of politics..I think we really need to loosen up....we need to let go and rock out more...and release all that crap....oh yeah...I'm so ready!  Rock on for "positive" change and not "got back to the old past" and just repeat the same ole mistakes...cut taxes for the very rich over $250,000 and let the rest of us rot and starve..hello America?  Corporations are now individual people and it doesn't matter they don't have to even say who they are and they can and "Are" giving tons of money to the conservative make sure that the Republicans get their "Share" of "big money..sicko...what are people thinking? Why would they vote for the rich and make the rich happy and the rest of us miserable....I just do not get it!! What is the matter with some much hate and venom and "resentment"...don't forget we all have generations from way back where we came from other countries...that's what America is all stop wanting to build a big wall around our country like the Berlin wall...Hello? Any sane people out there?  Do you not see all this hate and anger and pointing fingers and blaming everyone else but ourselves for everything? How spoiled we are do not realize we have the responsibility to think "rationally" and with "Facts" and substance..intelligents....Jesus would be so sad to see all this...according to the Bible, the stories say he stood for the opposite of what we are doing now in this crazy "spin doctor" world of please Christians read up on your Bible...I don't like you blaming and hating "others" and I don't like your constant paranoid "fear" driving politics either...just stop it, grow up, be mature and love your brothers and sisters....all of them..all colors, different opinions and all....Wake up!

Hope Jerry Brown wins for Governor of California, he was governor before when I grew up there and I always liked his unique originality...not your typical politician but a real person...and I do believe he can get the job done...just like he did before...Go Jerry!

Okay done with my rant now...aren't you glad?  I won't be posting much as I said..but time to time I just got to speak my mind "freely"...

Love you all,


Monday, October 25, 2010

My ex-BF has Aspergers Syndrome...

Now I understand better why he acts the way he does and "has"...sigh...I have much to learn and think about...I am not sure what I will do if anything about's a hard I strong enough? And is he strong enough to be my man? Or maybe just casual friends?...I have never had so much in common with anyone in my entire life like I did with him...never...and I miss it....and I miss him...but who knows..I don't know what to do he says "hi" and has said a few other things to me of late in passing...I always just walked by and would not response...the other day when he said "Hi" I casually said "hello"..and walked on....what's wrong with me? sigh...


Saturday, October 23, 2010 Mother called me the other day...after 15 years of not hearing her voice!

My mother called me the other day.  Apparently while my mother had called my sister (as she does on a regular basis) she had asked my sister if she thought I would mind if she called me and asked her for my ph.#.  My sister apparently gave my mother my phone #.  Then my sister called me right away, to let me know, as she said she thought she should have asked me first.  Alas, too late, for my mother had called me already.  

It was so strange to pick up the phone and here my mother's voice after so many years of not hearing it.  I didn't recognize her voice at all.  She didn't sound older or bad or anything...her voice was just different than I remember.  I was pretty scared and not knowing what to say to her to be honest with you.  But after our first couple of sentences, it just seemed pretty much "okay"...I guess I let my spirit guide me and let go of the fear.  She laughed and was "spunky"...we talked about my sister mostly...she said she had wanted to call and thank me for "being there" for my younger sister....especially knowing that my younger sister had done something so "bad" to me that was totally not appropriate or called for about 6 years ago when I also tried to help her at that time.  My mother said "you have a good heart and I'm just so happy that finally at least two of my daughters are "connected"  that it's all she ever hoped for, after all these years.   then she said that she was proud of me.  I think that was what I had needed to know more than anything, that I had their respect somehow, was so important to me as the "blacksheep daughter".  I knew and understood what she meant without "getting into the details".  She actually asked about me and how I was and I said a little bit about my situation but not much to her.  We made small talk then.  Our conversation only lasted about 10 minutes.  Then suddenly she said "I want to hand the phone over to your Dad now, as I really think he needs this and so do you" she said that I totally panicked and I said "no, no mom, please I don't want to do that I can't"!!!..."hello mom, do you hear me are you there"?!!....but she had not heard me as she was in the process of bringing the phone to my least I don't think she heard me!..who knows?  If she did hear me she would have heard me very upset and frightened saying "no please no I can't talk to him"!!!!...and my also remembering the last and only time he had talked to me  on the phone (out of nowhere after all these years!) was about 4 years ago when he had called me up out of nowhere and yelled and screamed at me (when I had hit rock bottom as hard as I had tried not to) and he told me I was "no good for nothing" a "failure" see that time he had called me apparently he had found out from someone that knew me, that I had hit rock bottom and was on the way to maybe even becoming homeless and on the my health issues and financial situation had worsened.  I know now that person had called my mother and father when I had asked them not to.  I knew then and I still know now it was more about my Dad feeling shame and guilt, that though I had tried with everything in me I was losing everything and getting more serious with my health issues without any help, without any back up of anyone there for me, no one at all and no health insurance all those years.  He could not handle knowing that so he did what my family has always done.  Take it out on the person suffering in order to remove their shame and uncomfortableness knowing I was "out here alone" and trying to survive.  However my mother had always stayed connected by phone and letters and "money" for my younger sister...she was my mother's youngest so she got more special treatment...and hey I had always understood this...but my sister had screwed up her life so bad and always was getting herself into so much trouble, along with her being an addict.  They were always "bailing" her out of situations.   I, on the other hand was trying with everything in me to hold my head up high and keep my integrity.  I was never an addict and I did not go down that "bad road" my younger sister had...but I had always felt that I was being "punished" for being a decent person who had at least tried to always do what I thought was right....and my sister was always being "rewarded through all these years" for screwing up and having such bad judgment and lack of common sense.  Though I do realize that addictions are usually heriditary and that she did inherit this illness from my Fathers side of the family.  So, I know I should feel blessed that somehow that serious health issue did not affect me or my body. Instead I inherited another serious medical issue from my  mothers side of the family.  Isn't it ironic? You bet!

So....sigh...sorry this is even hard to write...brings back "stuff"....but it is a bit freeing.  All of a sudden there was my Dad on the phone and he tried to start the conversation out with humor...which actually did help me somewhat. So, once again I let my spirit guide me and was just "myself" and not "the actress" with him.  I did not "go there" about my "wound" with him...but we did talk about my life a bit and what it entailed.  I was not real serious about it...just stated the facts.  Also about my sister, that so far since she arrived here in town and I guided her and held her hand and got her help and housing through HUD and taking her everywhere (she has  no car but is now taking the bus a lot more and is getting financial help with this through medicaid) to fill out paperwork and get medical help through medicaid and the county resources here, stamps, etc...talking with people for her while she was with me...I told Dad that I had no regrets, that I know what it's like to have no one there and no "back up" and so I would not want my sister to go through that, as I had.  He then said "you know your ole' man is very proud of you and loves you don't you"?  I didn't know what to say...I was silent...he then said that he and Mom wanted to thank me for being there for my sister, that they knew it "wasn't easy" and how much they are sure it stress's my life out trying to "juggle" so much in my own life along with being there for my sister.  It has been very hard energy wise I must admit.  I get exhausted a lot more.  I then said "thank you Dad that means a lot to me, your saying that".   Again the conversation was short about 10 minutes just like with my mother.  Someone knocked at my door and I knew I was feeling pretty overwhelmed and actually more "stunned" and my feelings needed to be processed and that I had to say "I have to go now someone is at my door"...I knew it was the only way Dad and I were going to be able to end the conversation and so it worked out okay that way.  He said "Okay take care of yourself and say hi to your kitty for me"...I said "okay bye Dad".

I know...some of you might be harsh with me in your thoughts or comments I did not tell either of them I loved them back...I am still processing all of this...them phoning me and what was said and what "wasn't" said...I feel confused and wrote this down in my journal I always keep by the side of my bed.  I wrote "Oct.21st, 2010, my mother called me and I also ended up talking to my dad too...scary..will write more later"....

I must say that there are so many changes going on in my  life now...most of them good...a few not so good and rather scary...but this is not new for me in handling the "fear" and facing the "fires" over and over and somehow handling it and getting through it.  My sister and I are getting along better..she is getting the help she has needed for years and I am making sure that continues.  She is on some good "non addictive" meds now that are really helping her get her act together...she is so different than me, afraid to be alone, not really knowing who she really is as her own person when by herself she is not "comfortable" with "herself".  When she calls me and says "I am so bored this place is dead around here, I don't know what to do".  I try to get her to think what she could do on her own, read, play some music, create something, she loves krafts, or just maybe for the first time in her life "sit in silence" and "face" the things in life that have happened to her....she just laughs at me not getting it.   But I can see now great improvement in her, less fear of being alone, taking better care of herself and getting some good therapy.  I think maybe for the first time in a long long time, she is getting to know herself!  She had to go to the emergency hospital for something about two months ago and she was lucky as a social worker was there and helped to assign her to have a regular G.P. Dr. that would be her Dr..  She was so lucky with that as there are so many waiting lists for most Drs. here in this area! Now that Dr. is my Dr. also because the last one I saw was a man who said very stupid disrespectful things to me and so with medicaid you have to wait over 6 months to find another Dr. that is "on the list" because there are some drug addicts that go from Dr. to Dr. in order to get their "drugs" so the non drug addicts on Medicaid have to follow the same rules...because of that I had been waiting and needing to see and have a medical Dr..   After a few appointments with this woman Dr. my sister said "I feel comfortable with her" I asked my sister to ask her Dr. if she would be comfortable or "not comfortable" having another family member be her patient too.  As the time frame of waiting 6 months was almost over for me.....I had asked my sister when she saw her Dr. to ask her "face to face" in person if she would be okay with this or not"...and her Dr. asked if I was the sister that had been helping her that my sister had mentioned to her a few times...and my sister said "yes, she is the one that has been there for me through all this"....and my sister called me and told me "Dr. H. said she would be more than happy to meet you and have you for a patient,  just call and they will set you up with an appointment in a few weeks" I had my first appointment with her and I like her.  As I walked into the office all these people that worked there said "you are somebody's sister that comes here aren't you"?...I laughed and said my sister's name and I said "I'm the brunette and she is the blonde" was quite funny.   I like Dr. H. she is a younger woman in her mid 30's I'd say and knows some of my history.  She also got me a referral to see the specialist I was told I needed to see, about my damaged right foot and left hand from my bad fall about a year and a half ago.  I never got the help I needed with that and her and I talked about that.  So, my G.P. Dr. is about 4 blocks up the street (from my apartment) at the main hospital clinic and the specialist I will be seeing soon, well, his medical group building is right behind my apartment complex parking lot! about that?  Tired of driving way over the other side of town for appointments. Thank you higher power and my guardian angels for this miracle and "gift".  I hope the specialist can MRI my foot and see what tendons and muscles, etc. are involved and the damage and if I can still get some kind of physical therapy for it.  I am very grateful I make myself walk almost every day when I try to keep  my foot from being "weak"...and hopefully I will have a good specialist who will tell me what we can do and how it and the pain might get better.

8 People have died in the last 6 months here at the apartment complex...people I has been hard for me...this used to be a retirement home before HUD took over 3 years ago..and so people tell me "these things are bound to happen here for a while "B" and we will all get through the grief.  The last person who just passed on, a woman, who I watched go outside throughout the whole day, day after day after day, smoking herself to death..I hate saying this but I kept thinking to myself "she is killing herself why would she do this?....she is so thin already and I watched her slowly "fade"...lung cancer...she said  "no chemo" as the Drs. said it was too late and they had told her if she had just tried to stop smoking for a while in the past, that they could have saved her and helped her" it was her choice to continue...there are quite a few people with chronic and serious health problems here that just smoke and smoke and smoke "outside" and also some "sneak" and smoke in their apartments though HUD says "no smoking in the apartments ever at all"...they kick the ones that come through HUD to live here out if they smoke inside..but not the people that have lived ihere since it was a retirement home for so many years...why? Because the manager and her assistant are smokers and they just won't let their "old friends and buds" that smoke in their apartments  get kicked out, so we all complain here and even call and write HUD, but the conniving manager here somehow always just makes up stories and lies for these people that smoke inside and says that those of us that are complaining about it are "lying"...tell me how could so many people lie at once? But the manager never lies???!...we feel at a loss of any power or protection in this regard to the smokers...their rights are more important than ours I guess, even though they are breaking the law...people are too afraid and intimidated now to say can smell it down some hallways so strong...yuck! So here you have non smokers reporting whats going on and no one does anything about it...some of us are getting more sick from it getting in our apartments...luckily so far I have lucked out with no one living around me being a smoker...hope that continues. But new people move in so you negver know who your neighbor will be.  Living in apartments through HUD takes away some of your freedoms.  I miss being able to rent a house.  Though it was much more physical work for me I had freedom to breathe and there were not "inspections"  by HUD of my home all the time! They have a new law that HUD says "no smoking not even in the parking lot, you have to go past the parking lot and away from the apartments on a public sidewalk" if you of Sept. 1st, 2010...but you know what? It's not happening here, and people just keep smoking right outside the doors and the parking lot.  I walk way around them as cig smoke really hurts my lungs and throat...and when I do this the smokers make faces and say nasty words to me...I do not respond or say a thing.  Rather childish of them just because I am trying to avoid their smoke so I won't have pain in my lungs for 24 hrs!  My sister lives in a HUD apartment complex also.  When I go over there to pick her up or whatever they are all out there far far away from the apartment complex and away from the parking lot.  They all got the letter notices there about the new rules last month and they are following it...but somehow the letter notices never got here in my apartment complex??...hmm..and things just continue on.  The manager here is always saying "I don't smell anything" when she goes down a hallway where the smoke smell is reported by us...of course she doesn't...she smokes! Duh!  Plus they are her "buds" smoking in their apartments. The beautiful outside entrance of this wonderful complex, well the smokers go a few feet from the sliding "security" glass doors and have patio chairs they sit on out there with 3 or 4 coffee cans and they smoke and then put them out in the "full"  coffee cans....I just cannot understand why and "how" they get away with this after all our reports.  Nothing is being done about it and this is a very large complex...I worry about a fire starting with people that are weak with their health issues and afraid they will  fall asleep with a cigarette in their hand and it will drop in their apartment and burn the whole place down! We all have addressed this issue and concern with HUD and they do nothing about it here where we live.  I call the management here "the little Mafia" and my friends laugh and say "you are so right that's exactly what is going on here"!  Yet I love it here because of all my dear friendships with so many people's like our own little small community town. We all give one another a lot of moral support here but many are so afraid of  management here and feel so intimidated.  Management doesn't like me at all and try to intimidate me at any issue I try to take care of that involves my life and affects my life..or to try to "explain" the mistakes done on paperwork done by management here..tired of correcting them and I don't want to tell them anymore, so now I just write a letter to the woman manager here and stick it in the "inbox" to her and she seems to handle this and take care of it that way..can't try and talk with her about any of way...she doesn't like the feeling that she might have made a mistake or that you go above her head. I am sorry but I do try and pray to higher power and the angels to "guide" this woman out of here and onto another "path" so we can get a new "non smoking" manager who doesn't have to go outside all day long to smoke so she's rarely there when you need her or the assistant manager..enough said...renting sucks I've been through what they call "slum landlords" (usually male) through the years and somehow they always managed to figure out after a time, that I was not going to be a wimp and not say anything when something needed to be repaired or they threatened to kick me out whenever I would ask them to repair something.  I stood up for myself but never mean or angry like them. Now here being connected with HUD because I am living in poverty (as many are here in this United States of America) it's a whole other ballpark...Intimidation works well when you are poor and don't feel like you have much power and they have "more power" over you.  Yep, that's my America and how I live in it now.  But I still have my common sense and my integrity...though a lot of good it does me as a single woman around here.

Anyway in general life changes on a regular basis here for sister is meeting new people and friend and I am meeting them and she my friends and so now there is kind of a "full circle of friends"..

Okay, this is long and I am's a cool windy and rainy day and my chimes hanging near my window are making beautiful melodic sounds..

Oh, and my "ex BF" and I walk by one another from time to time now and I finally am able to just say "hello" or "hi" very casually in response to his "Hi B" to me he says now every time he runs into me...other things have happened kind of weird with him....but I've no expectations is his Birthday the day before Halloween and I have good memories of my having a huge pumpkin looking cupcake, putting a candle on it and singing "Happy Birthday to you" song and making a nice dinner for's a good memory of that day around this time last year.. 

Well that's the latest update my dear Blog goes on somehow..and we must always have hope and keep "changing" and trying to make change..because if we don't then nothing does ever change does it?....and we stay stuck in the past with the same ole same ole...

And vote your conscience not on your fear and anger come November.  If we can just do that then we can "change" and catch up with the other's about time to progress and not to keep on "degressing" that even a word? I don't know but I'm sure you know what I mean.



Saturday, October 02, 2010

Have a beautiful Autumn everyone......I'm needing to take some time off from my blog for a while....

I will be taking some time off from my blogs.  There's too much going on in my life and lot's of responsibilities I have right now.   I'm also needing to regroup and recover from a traumatic year.  

I await more peace and quiet in my life and am seeking this for the whole world and for Love and Peace and for all of us to "evolve" and to "Rise above" the hate, the arguing of politics, to rise above the constant "fear", to rise above elections that are won by making people fearful, to rise above smear campaigns, we need to stop the winning of elections by how much money donations are made. We need for all of us to make great effort to come together more as "one".....this is what we need now.  

I watch our country going "backwards" based on "fear" just breaks my I watch and observe many other countries are moving forward.  We are getting "Stuck" in made up lies, distortions, mistruths, rude behavior, yelling and telling other people off...whatever works to make the other side look bad.  When did we come to the point of  such "separate" "sides", so "split"? look at others who might think differently than us as the "Enemy" in our own country?  We are a country built on tolerance and respect for others.  We need to grow up and stop lowering ourselves to a level of such childishness!  We need to stop spouting lies and check on our facts first!  Rumors spread like a virus!  Soon many believe whatever they hear, with no facts whatsoever! We need to not hate, not be so angry, not be so nasty and making horrific mean and racial slurs and comments and so much bigoted prejudice right now.  What has happened to us??

It hurts my heart to observe so much "division"  in our country happening of late.....and for so many to always point fingers and blame "others" for everything all the time and yet so many don't seem to want to take any personal responsibility for their own action or "inaction's", or the things they say themselves.  And we really really really need to stop being so immature and selfish and to learn that it is better to give than to receive. We need more LOVE more COMPASSION and we need to really "WAKE UP"...we need to accept one another more, to live in harmony with our neighbors and we need lots more "LOVE" going around then this endless vicious constant cycle of hate and "fear mongering" will get us nowhere but further "Behind".  We need to start "Evolving" as a people and a nation.  We need to stop raising our fists and instead lend a hand, hold a hand, mend our hearts by reaching out to others, not looking the other way.  We need to stop acting like we are blind and cannot "see"....we surely see, but refuse to accept what we are seeing.  I "see" certain egotistical people playing the "Blame game" on TV and profiting off of it financially, taking advantage of people that are vulnerable in their own hurt and anger who will believe anything they hear to satisfy their pain inside.  This is so heartbreaking.  All these "emperors" are without clothes, but we pretend they are not....and turn a blind takes a strong inner spirit to face the truths of what is going on....we better be careful or we will all  be walking around naked and we "all" will pretend we are not!  Now that is a scary thing to imagine!....just think about it?  All this "inner fighting" amongst ourselves in our own country is what's hurting and destroying this nation so much...we are our own worst enemy!...we need to come together...give peace and love a chance.  Respect one another. 

Vote more based on "common sense" more from your heart, soul and head.  Vote less out of your own fear, hate and anger.   Vote what will make this country improve as a "whole" and to "grow" and mature.  Let's not go "back"...the time is  "now" to look ahead and not "behind"...let's learn from the mistakes of the past and move along towards a more "open path" that we all can walk along without so many divided roads.

Thanks for reading this and sorry if it sounds like a "rant" or lecture...I just really want all of us to try our best to love and not do the "hate" deal so much anymore...for it is getting so very old   It's time to move on and "walk" away from the fear and hate and instead to "move on" and "walk" towards  more light and"Love"...

Happy Autumn to everyone in the blog world and to my dear blog friends.

Love and Blessings,


Monday, September 20, 2010

Velvet Passion of my poems from 2006

There's a passion flower
so deep
its quenched it's thirst
with a dew drop
on satin petal
drenched in deep velvet purple.....
like a gypsy soul
timeless in soft abandon
a petal falls
and touches you
like a soft caress

*Written by Rhiannon* (Barbara) January 6th 2006...Copyrights owned by Barbara

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Sometimes it just matter how hard you try to not let it.

*Note* this post was supposed to be on my other blog, but somehow it accidentally got in this blog...have non clue...oh is what it might want to check my other blog out as reference to the top far right side of this blog...just click on 'My life experiences" will take you there.

The last month or so, my sister and I have been talking about seeing my Father....maybe for the last time....he's been so sick for so long, one day it's bound to happen. Right before my sister came up here to Southern Oregon to live, she called my mom and dad (they call her and such through the years and especially since she fell and went into a coma last year (that's okay now she healed pretty much from that, but it was touch and go for a while then, and the Dr. told her she is lucky she lived and got through it. She started having liver and kidney failure during the coma, and the Dr. said that her drinking "hard" and being an active alcoholic for so long greatly contributed to the "touch and go" for a while)....okay, where was I again? Oh, yeah, in reference to my seeing my Father. Anyway she called my mom and dad and said she would like to go down to southern California and see them before she took the train up here to Oregon. My sister had told me that she thought it might be the last time she sees Dad, or maybe even my mother, you never know. She had not seen them in many years, but not as long as it's been for me. Let's see now...about 25 years or so? Yes, I know pretty bad. They never really wanted to see me. My mom upon almost losing her youngest daughter of the three (my younger sister here in Oregon) going into the coma last year, tried to "reconnect" with me via e-mail (if that's what you want to call it) but it was mostly she had a "plan"...for me to take care of my sister if she survived the coma. I understood her "plan" quite well, though she never made it blunt she may have well as. Nothing asked about me or how am I doing, etc...just stupid stuff in her e-mails...her little "mind games" with me. So, my mom and dad agreed told her to come on down and my sister made sure the friend that drove her down there had another place to stay, because my mom and dad DO NOT let their children ever spend the night or for a "visit"...that would freak them out! So, anyway my sister said the "meeting" and little chat they had went fairly "okay" she said. You never know when Dad is going to start "spouting off" or say the wrong thing...he's always been like that. She told me he told her she was getting "Fat"..for heavens sake my sister comes out of a coma and weeks later comes to California to stay with a friend and no home or place to call her own (her and I have that in common in the last few years or so) and my Father tells her she is "getting fat"...she has always been slim...and just had a few extra lbs. on her, due (I was pretty sure) to the anti-depressants she was on...when she told me what she was specifically taking I knew one of the major side affects was "weight gain". Well, thanks for that Dad!

My sister and I had talked about trying to go and see mom and dad once she got a bit settled here, so I was surprised to hear she had already gone to see them. Anyway, my sister and I talked about taking a train trip down there together to see my mom and dad soon. She understood where I was coming from and did have the understanding that I am "More" the black sheep than she, though I have never done anything really wrong, in my opinion other than "standing up and speaking up for my sisters and I" during our childhood and upon growing up. I was never mean and such. I know it really sucked the life out of my mom and dad to have to keep "bailing" my sister out of her "situations" she always found herself in through the years...with her addictions and all, car accidents, going to jail, them bailing her out and us going to court with her and an attorney, etc...through the years. It's funny I never had the "messed up addiction" issues, but I know that my mom and dad burned out from helping her out through the years, and her having a daughter I knew me not having one, that I was not as important to my mom and dad as my other two sisters who had children. Hate to say what I just wrote but it is really the honest truth. Believe me, I went through years of therapy working on that one! Ironic that out of the three of us sisters (I am the middle child) I married first. I tried to get pregnant for many years, went through a lot, emotionally and physically...there were other health issues, and through those years I ended up having 9 surgeries. That's another story in itself...and my whole family treated me awful about all that I went through with that...they literally "pretended" I was "fine" through those difficult years and I was also told time and time again by my mother and father, how I had "so disappointed them that I was not able to give them a grandchild".....they had no concern for what I was going through physically or emotionally trying to conceive...I never did...perhaps it was meant to be that way for me since I have a serious health problem that is genetic....I've often thought.

Okay, so the whole point of this post is to give you a little idea of how my mom and dad went through a lot with my younger sister, paying her bills, renting her places to live for her and her on my own "always" taking care of myself once my marriage ended in divorce. I was far away in another state, easy to forget and "pretend" I didn't exist. There is much more about how the way they treated me all this time but won't get into that now. I had always felt that they had always rewarded my younger sister for her bad behavior and constant screw ups and oh her poor daughter having as a teenager go drag mom out of a bar and be "the grown up"...her hurt is still there but since my sister went into that coma, much has changed for her and I...we have changed and trying to let a lot of stuff "go"...but things do come up. As a matter of fact my sister's daughter has similar feelings to how she was treated by her mom and the "divorced dad who married my sisters best friend"....she and I are more independent because of the tough times we've gone through and being the "little adults" trying to take care of the adults.

So, I finally got up the nerve to agree to go with my sister on a train to visit with my Mom and Dad. It took a lot of talking it out in therapy and with my sister. I did try to warn her that it had been over 25 years since my seeing them, and I tried to warn her, that my relationship with mom and dad was very different than hers with them. Like non existent! I tried to tell her that because I had no children mom and dad had mostly just "brushed me off" and I had to learn how to be very independent and "tougher" than I would have liked to be but that that is why I am still alive after all. I took care of "me" all these years and nobody else one..not even when I really desperately needed help and my family "knew I was alone and did need help big time" sister just wasn't getting okay, she calls me up and tells me that mom called her to check on her and she told her all excited "mom guess what I got Barbara to agree for us to go together on a train to come and see you and dad"!.....I could tell when my sister called me and told me this that she was upset and I knew why.....she said she felt bad to tell me of mom and dad's reaction. I was prepared it there was a 50-50 chance they would agree or say "no way"....they said "no way"! big time! My sister was crying said she felt awful and how sorry she was...she said she was stunned to know and now she said she "understood" what I had tried to warn her about...I was more prepared than she was. After all to me at this time, it was more about me doing this for Dad, as who knows how long he has.....even mom....but they were very curt and upset and abrupt about it she said in their rejecting the offer of the visit.

So, anyway I am trying to absorb this "rejection" along with their general "rejection" and my sister saying to me "this is my fault I burdened them so much all those years and they only helped me because I had a daughter and you didn't"....I said well yes that's mainly true but there were "other reasons"...which I did not get into....however I must say I have felt for many many years now, like I was being "punished" for not "screwing up" or becoming an addict" and or getting myself into constant trouble and trying to always be responsible and do the right thing and to take care of myself and to "survive" and my sister has been rewarded for not taking care of herself and her life! That I did...survive that is...but at times I have felt this is all that I have done..

The main issue is that I don't get enough time in between to "live a life"...and so the deal with the ex boyfriend and the "Bitch manager landlord" here trying to intimidate me because she can't seem to do her job and be a "professional" or "mature grown up person" along with the assistant manager showing up at my apartment during the night "drunk as a skunk" and in a "rage of anger" well you can see that I am pretty hurt and overwhelmed here! My therapists daughter had cancer and she just recently passed away, so I have started of late with a new long "we single women without families" keep going through this stuff and me having PTSD they say we will always need some kind of ongoing therapy....sad to say. I studied psychology years back and have always been told in therapy through the years that I am "emotionally intelligent" and smart....but a lot of good it does me hey?...:o(...I know the "intimidating games" these people play and "prey" on a single women, thinking we will not speak up or stand up for ourselves out of fear. I have faced many fears and walked through many fires...but with PTSD along with my medical health's getting to just be like a rerun..

Meeting my new therapist and us starting "the work" is different this time. She is trying to help me "work on retraining my brain" to not jump out of fear and literally my "bed" when this Bitchy woman comes banging and banging at my front door early in morning with no call or warning she is coming...she is doing it because I call the housing authority "very politely" about the issues and problems and how nothing is being done or repaired or incorrect financial issues that the landlord does not know what she is doing...she smokes she will "NOT" instill the new "no smoking outside anywhere near the apartment"...they have to walk to a public sidewalk and not in the apartment complex parking lot. This landlord will not do it because she smokes! Duh! So it went into affect on Sept. 1st this month and no one has seen any change..they are all hanging out there near the apartment window taking their "drags" and it makes me and others sick. My new therapist upon meeting her looks like a younger version of me...she could be my younger sister...though she is not blond but brunette like me...I swear I felt like I was looking at myself in the mirror upon meeting her. I like her attitude. "well, "B", your "Bitch landlord" (don't get mad at me this is what my therapist has labeled her and we are to call her that in therapy "the Bitch"...cannot legally come banging at my door without "a suitable time frame of notice" my therapist has given me an's to "practice" to pretend that the "Bitch" is banging on my door without stopping and ringing and ringing my doorbell early in the morning and I try to not jump "awake" in a fright with my heart racing...I practice taking a deep breath coming out of a deep sleep and walking slowly to the front door, look out of my peephole on the door, and if it is the "Bitch" landlord I am to ignore her, walk slowly back to the bedroom, make sure I pick up my cat and take her into the bedroom with me, as she freaks out with all this also! Then I shut the bedroom door and have a nice calm cd in my cd player and turn it on and sit down in bed and try to "stay calm" time goes on I hopefully will not "jump" as the landlord wants to barge in and go "at me" when I am not dressed nor even half awake! As time goes on we are hoping that said landlord will finally "pick up" on why I am doing this and if she does not and were to phone me or ask upon seeing me downstairs why I am not answering the door when she "comes banging at it early in the morning because housing called her and she is pissed at me because of my calling them and making her look bad" without notice, only then my therapist said I am to say "You are to give me a suitable time frame call notice of 8 to 24 hrs. before I am to then either give you permission or "not permission" to enter my apartment, read it, it's in the lease" we will see...

All for now aren't you glad? Oh by the way many women here are "livid" when the gossip spread around her like wildfire that the assistant manager was in a "raging drunk" when he came up to fix my toilet. Now many here are beginning to ask what their rights are and things are "a changing" here slowly but surely. But most of all my new therapist who I feel very comfortable with doesn't want me to have to go through this "crap" anymore and she says's if she has to, down the road, since she is with the county, she is able to call the housing authority and let them know what is going on here!

Well, today was the 9/11 and I prayed and hoped for a huge healing for all of us...let's make it regards to prejudging, bigotry, arguing about who's "religion is the best or "real one'...time to stop breaking us all apart and more of a "coming together" of acceptance and tolerance. There are also very radical fundamental Christians who are brought up on "hate" and believe me I know I grew up in a family like this...Thank to higher power that I decided to get out of it all before it was too late for me! As there are also radical muslims spreading hate and anger and "pay back" but at the same time, we have used their countries for oil and spilled the blood of so many there we don't count or talk about enough! Innocent women, children and men! Also many young muslim men and women are "brainwashed" and taken advantage of by the radical muslim taliban terrorist type people who convince them that it is the muslim way to kill and punish those who are Americans or invading their country and or claiming they are there to make "Democracy" can you have a democracy there? They have their own muslim traditions and rules....democracy there is impossible!...these young men and women often have no recourse or no place to go and are brainwashed easily when young and innocent to become young taliban soldiers.....what a sick way to try to recruit them!....sound familiar? I have seen some Christian families teach their children similar traits to have and feel towards others who are "different" than them and who they tell them are going to "hell"...well enough of this...the anniversary of 9/11 has gone and past now for this year...let's make the horrific thing that happened way back when into a learning turn the other cheek, stop getting mean and angry and "bigoted" and stop turning into what you say you hate seeing...stop being a hypocrite. Let's not "divide" this county and let's not have one side always say "no" no matter what it is or who it is helping...stop paying Obama back because you think he is a Muslim (he is NOT!) and stop fearing that he is partly black...big deal...who cares...accept and grow and learn to love others and turn night into daylight...let the sun shine on us all. Accept that life changes as we grow...stop living in the past we are in the here and now!! And please as Crosby, Stills, and Nash said in their song "Teach your children well" !



Thursday, September 09, 2010

Melanie - Mr. Tambourine Man

I always thought Melanie's version of this song was the best. Bob Dylan even met up with her many many years ago and he said upon hearing her sing his song he thought she sang it in such a beautiful poetic way that it was his favorite version and better than his own version. I agree it's like she is singing and speaking the song at the same very beautiful....give it a takes you back to our hearts and souls.

Melanie - Do You Believe

Saturday, August 21, 2010

The older poem I wrote but feeling it now......let the wind blow away the wars also....

The Wind

The wind howls
and whistles
roaring at times..
It's blowing out the cobwebs
in my mind
It's clearing out
the dust and the rust
of my heart
it's clearing and making a path
A fresh new start
for clarity....

It's cleansing the air I breathe
it's clearing out toxicity
in my mind
in my soul
It's healing my wounds
to make me whole
once again.

*Written by Rhiannon April 2006 *Copyrights owned by Rhiannon (Barbara)

Thursday, August 19, 2010

"Graceful Imperfections" poem....Believe me, I'm more hard on myself then anyone else could possibly be of late...

Running for Shelter
in more ways than one....
Mistakes sifted through my fingers
like the hands of time
As the warning trumpets
of Gabriel's calling
announced my arrival....

Overlooking the cliffs
Along the slippery path
of mistaken roads
I knowingly took...
I felt myself falling
through the air
to the ocean shores echoing below
as I found myself
drifting into a cloud of dreams....

Fleeting thoughts flew by my memories
connecting to Spirits acknowledgement
in accepting my graceful imperfections.

Written by Rhiannon (Barbara R.) March 25Th, 2007
*Copyrights owned by Barbara R.*

Leonard Cohen: Democracy

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Haunting Echos...The Children.....dedicated to all the children trapped in wars and to goatman...what you said is so is not all there is

"It's not the people who lie to us who represent the greatest danger, but the one's who lie to themselves"......

I read this comment above today on someone else's blog. It was an anonymous comment so I can't give credit where credit is due, but as I read it I felt how profound this statement really is.........

I had this photo in my files I had saved from years ago of a young girl in Iraq during the first year of our stupid war with know the "weapons of mass destruction" false statement crap made by our former president and his administration? Our problem in this country is just accepting what we hear without checking out the facts or wanting to know the "Real truth"....took us long enough to figure it out...though I knew way back then this was all wrong! I remember when I first saw this photo of this young girl in pain and it touched me in such a way I cried broken hearted. Words sometimes aren't really necessary the photo itself "speaks" to you.
I added the text. I sometimes wonder if we adults thought of the
Children more often then our petty selves, and our petty complaints, how this world of
ours might really be? Would it be different? More loving?

This is at least a start a beginning hey Goatman? At least I hope so...the news needs to talk more about how many children and innocent women and men are or have been killed in the last 8 years or so, in Afghanistan and Iraq...was it all worth it? Oil will not save us...we must save ourselves and learn a new "way" for transportation and a new way of thinking of life and our environment....I still don't understand why such rich people in this country complain about taxes becoming a little higher for them in order to get this country back together again....would they really suffer much from paying a bit more? ...or is it just that they are so self absorbed that they just don't "see" nor get it at know the old Bob Dylan song "I wish that you could be in my shoes just for one day let alone 5 minutes, then maybe you could see me, or be me"...get it? know what I mean?... yes I am sure most of you do. I have really grown very very tired of the "whats in it for me"? mentality of this country of late...we need to connect with one another more and to also accept our differences with a bit more love and understanding...come together...not "come apart"....well these are all my thoughts for now..

I am very grateful just to be alive and have food and shelter...I could be laying in the street, homeless, or dead as some in our own country are starting to experience and witness...we need to care about our fellowmen (women) and especially the kids all over the world......we need to stop the "adult" wars that get us absolutely nowhere...we need to get our act together and look within our hearts and souls...not always using the brain only....connect the heart and mind together...than we have and keep our souls.....there are too many soulless people walking around in this world of ours....just look at the news and all around the world and even in your own hometown where you live. Have we improved grown and learn the lessons yet? It doesn't appear so, and this my friends is why so much is being thrown at us for so long...we haven't learned enough yet.

Now I am reading how a lot of the stock market and a lot of major banks are going to be giving lots of money to the GOP to help them win elections...thank you Supreme court for that! For the life of me I just cannot understand why many people that are suffering so financially among other things would vote Republican, when the Republicans do not care about human suffering in this country much...they are in it for the "money" and they will be getting plenty in order to try to win these elections. Big Money buys elections! Don't you see the big connection between big money and the GOP? Check out the facts today, about the meeting with GOP and stock market and banks recently. They are going to be giving tons of money to the GOP! The GOP don't care about you the "little guy", it's all about them saying "no" to anything Obama is trying to do and to win the next elections now that the Supreme court has given them a "Huge" doorway to win, by the rich giving to the rich. Well I will still vote and I will still vote what I feel is right for the people and not for the "rich" and the big big lobbyist that try to control it all with money! When I think of how so many people that vote Republican and actually think the GOP is on their side...well I think of the that song "White Rabbit" by the Jefferson Airplane and they lyrics "Feed your head"......and the GOP is feeding your head!...with lies and deception. Listen, really listen pay attention and check out your facts before you start foaming at the mouth blaming President Obama for everything that our former president did nothing about or made here we are with a big mess President Obama has to try to clean up to the best of his ability...stop the blame game and get it together people.

Peoples lets stop the wars! Lets stop the lies and deceptive behavior of many politicians and please please use your own minds and stop being so naive actually believing what Glen Beck may make up in his head and you sit there believing him? He and other people like him (with no journalism, no facts or news experience at all) are trying to control you, get you mad, get you worked up, get you believing so many made up stories, much ado about "nothing" "editing" they look like a person is saying something they are not.....many things they say are made up that are not true....and the name calling is many angry so called "news people" stirring the waters with blood and anger...mind control...making lots of money off of naive and angry people who need someone to blame....even if it's the wrong people being blamed! I mean really, lets stop being patsies! Wake up!! Do your part for this country by thinking for yourselves, checking out your mind up to checking out the "official stories" based on the facts...not someones "interpretation" of the facts the real facts!...and please stop the "conspiracy" theories...of course I do have one conspiracy story thought...the GOP are duping you and they have got you just where they want puppets. I am just so tired of "all" of the news media going on and on about "Pollywood" rumor crap that means nothing to us nor affects our lives....such a waste of news time...and why are you even watching reality shows and CSI and one murder and violence show after another and another and another on TV? you enjoy it?'s everywhere!!! wonder so many of our kids (let alone adults) in this country have become so "comfortably numb" to death, blood, graphic's all over TV...I won't watch it and it makes me sick to my stomach that so many enjoy these type of shows....what are we doing???????? We have so much graphic violence in the world, do you care about that? Do you ever wonder why this is? I mean really look at our country, our attitude as Americans and look at TV!!!!????? Look at society?????!!!!. I'm on digital converter and only have 5 channels and boy am I happy about that. I "read" and check out the headlines online news...and check out the facts...might try it for a change..."easy to figure out" not that hard. Has anyone ever watched "Democracy Now" on PBS? I just recently started watching this...I must admit I was surprised how well Amy Goodman handles herself...just states and gives out the facts and ask the questions waiting to hear the other person respond....she doesn't make up things or start arguing or crying or foaming at the mouth..she is "clear" "concise" and travels to different states and to different countries and talking one on one to people to check out the facts and ask the right questions...she also lets people she interviews and talks to finish their sentences without interruptions or cutting them off midway to give them her view and she listens to their answers....and she ask good excellent questions.....whether she disagrees or not she listens and does her job well!..Mature, level headed, open and the facts, the news...isn't that what reporters used to do? refreshing!...she does her job well...I can also handle Charlie Rose...level headed and smart...and a good journalist and interviewer...let's people tell their story, give their opinions, let's them finish...he has real conversations with people. He ask the difficult questions many don't want to ask....and he does a darn good job too! Wow goatman your comment really got me thinking it's time to let more out about what's really going on? Let's deal with it, just like Marvin Gaye sang "what's going on?.....I'll tell you what's going on"....Okay done with my rant now..Thanks for your patience in reading this everyone...if you did! Excuse my typos, I will try to fix them later...being dyslexic doesn't help but still no excuse...sorry about that..

Angel Blessings,

Sunday, August 08, 2010

A song and video by Bruce Cockburn...I've shown it before recently but feel strongly it bears repeating so hope you'll check it out

"Busy Monster eats dark holes in the Spirit World"...

*Lyrics from "If a Tree Falls" song by Bruce Cockburn*

Hard to believe this song and video was in 1989!...That's Bruce for you....always way ahead of his time...

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

One war slowly comes to an end and here's hoping that another will also be over soon!

I feel as if this poem written by Edna St. Vincent Millay below, could have been written just today! Don't you think? It sure resonates with me...I'm on a "mission" and it's to make a contribution to take a stand to speak up and end the "other" war now!...or at least sooner than Obama states. I want President Obama to make a "change" and to "change" his mind about the Afghanistan war and end it much sooner then he says..hurry Mr. President, for time is of the essence.

Welcome home soldiers!!...may your journey home help your hearts to heal slowly with all you've been through (for nothing in my opinion) and may your wounded hearts and minds slowly heal from all the trauma that you have had to go through. Love and Blessings to all of you.


Apostrophe to Man

Detestable race, continue to expunge yourself,die out.
Breed faster, crowd, encroach, sing hymns, build bombing airplanes;
Make speeches, unveil statues, issue bonds, parade;
Convert again into explosives the bewildered ammonia and the distracted cellulose;
Convert again into putrescent matter drawing flies
The hopeful bodies of the young; exhort,
Pray,pull long faces, be earnest, be all but overcome, be photographed;
Confer, perfect your formula, commercialize
Bacteria harmful to human tissue,
Put death on the market;
Breed, crowd, encroach, expand, expunge yourself, die out,
Homo called sapiens.

*Edna St. Vincent Millay wrote this on reflecting that the world is ready to go to war again,world war 2.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Book quiz interesting results...

You're Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone!

by J.K. Rowling

While you may not be amazing in your own right as yet, people who
meet you can sense that you have immense potential to do great things in the future.
You inspire in people a sense of wonder and even childlike glee that is rare among
people, convincing them to follow your every move and even do things they normally
wouldn't. There are those who feel you're trying to ruin their faith or corrupt
their children, but you know that these histrionics are overreactions to your slightly
darker side. For the most part, you are just insanely popular. Don't trust your

Take the Book Quiz II
at the Blue Pyramid.

Thanks Lydia for posting this Book Quiz at your blog...very interesting

Monday, July 26, 2010

Simon & Garfunkel - Old Friends...dedicated to my "Old friend" Vern who passed on today

I met Vern a few years ago....while I lived with my dear friends that were and "are" like a family to me, while I was waiting for waiting for housing on the housing list. Vern was their next door neighbor. We became close "buds"..I would go over to his house and we would sit and talk...he lived alone...had for many years...he had Parkinsons disease...he would take such good care of his house and front and back yard..worked so hard mowing the lawn gardening in the back yard...always accidently cutting up his fingers and hands while mowing or using tools and such...his hands would shake so much..I would bring over peroxide and clean up his hands and cut fingers and show him how to do it so if he is alone and is bleeding what to do. Vern and I would always have nice talks...or have pizza together...just him and I hanging out...he would share things with me about himself, we had "special talks"....and he would listen to the story of my life basically or as Vern used to say "your lives"...for he knew the many things I've gone through in life he said was more like "many lives"...ha yes, I knew what he meant. He was a good friend to me..and from time to time he would flirt with me too...just for fun...I let him get away with it. I always gave him lots of hugs through the years. He liked that!

We watched Vern go downhill pretty quickly...once they put him in a retirement home a few weeks ago, I remember what he had told me often, "if they take me from my home and put me in a retirement place I'm just going to let go...I don't want to live that way". I remembered those words he had said to me often in the last few years...and when they drove him off to the retirement facility in town I kissed him on the cheek and told him I would see him "soon". Last week I was told that Vern was refusing to eat and just lay in bed losing weight and getting weaker and weaker day after day. I knew I had to see him before it was too late. So my family friends son picked me up and drove me over there a few days ago, I knew I had to see Vern one last time and to say good-bye. He never opened his eyes, but I talked to him and told him who I was and told him I had brought a little "angel" a ceramic one just for him. I held his hand and touched his face lightly. I asked him to sqeeze my hand if he knew I was there and he then proceeded to cling to my hand very tightly. Then I also put the little angel in his hand, let him hold her...he held on tightly to that angel...and didn't want to let her go..or my hand..I knew this was the last time and that I would not see Vern again....I was saying good-bye....and I knew he knew I was there...I remember when I told him "here look I brought you an angel Vern" and put her in his hand...his mouth opened and seemed as if he was trying to say something...he was trying very hard...then he was such a sweet smile he had on his face..his eyes remained closed. I talked to him for a while...just kept saying "I'm here Vern" and and reminded him of the wonderful talks we had and certain things he had said to me. I held his hand tightly again and gave him a kiss on the cheek....he did not want to let go of my hand he held...that was the hardest part...I had to slowly pry his hand from mine.....and we to leave. They told us we had to go. I had been waiting for the call...I knew Vern was letting go....very quickly....just as he had told me so many times before that he would when it came down to this. I got the call this afternoon...Vern had passed on I was told. I cried. My family friends were so upset, Vern had been there next door neighbor for over 27 years... they had all been there for one another through the years. So their son told them that Vern had told me many many times, that once they put him in a "home care facility" that he was "going to let go"....I understand had such inner strength and such a stubborn Scorpio. You suffered so much in silence for so long. I miss you already Vern.

May the angels sweep you up in their tenders wings of "dear old friend".

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Stop the wars! Think about these words in this "Disarm" Smashing Pumpkins video

"The killer in me is the killer in you".....I've always found those words in this song by the Smashing Pumpkins quite profound yet simply stated....and a simple truth..

Innocence lost in all the fear and pain....and so the violence begins...the saddest part of all of these wars. It's time for change and "New beginnings". We can only move forward to keep going back into the past to try to make a "healing change" is not possible...because we just keep ending up going "backwards" over and over, until we are spiraling out of control. The wonderful and good memories you have from the past, let them remain within your spirit...but living in the days of "ole" NOW and to think that would be the answer is a toxic reality that is not "real"......nothing will ever improve or change if we always think the past is the answer....wouldn't you agree?

Love and Peace to All,


Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Hand Peace sign for love and peace for the world as requested by Ringo Starr for his Birthday today..

Love and Peace, people let's stop the wars! Don't just sit there do something, get a bumper sticker for your car, or give the peace sign with your hand whenever you brave now...I know that "we" can do this! Don't give up....never give up for Peace and Love in the world.

Love, Peace and many Blessings for the world,