Friday, July 31, 2009

Ceremonial Burning....You Know Me Not!...

In between the moments
where love has come and gone
I've felt the grace of surrender
through my tears
almost a release
of what has gone by
in my life......

There's been times
I've continously asked "Why, why, why"?
to be oppressed and denied
my own thoughts and feelings
by others naive "assumptions"
"Judgements" and "lectures" of me....
when they Know Me Not!
Nor will they ever it appears...

I got your letter late last night mother.....
After reading your evil sick twisted
fundamental baptist bullshit of "denial"
I printed it out last night
and then ripped it into pieces
and threw it into the trash
trying to get rid of the pain....
I tried to "rise above" this so many times
that I should be elevating above the floor
at this point....

I "allowed" you to lay it on me "again"....
But it still hurt all through the night
and part of me cried inside
"I am your daughter! You have a daughter you haven't seen or known in over 25 years"!!
"You know me Not"!....and you never will...this I accept.....I order to heal....I must..
But waking up this morning that "Wound" still had reopened
and started to fester again.....
so I pulled all the ripped up pieces of your letter
out of the trash, put them all together
knelt down on them
and surrendered you and your letter
up to higher power
the God of my understanding
and the Angels
and to Spirit
much more powerful and forgiving forces
than I......
and I said
"I leave this, my mother and family (by blood)
in your hands to take care of
in whatever way you chose fit to handle it
I surrender to higher power with trust".
"For I chose to no longer carry a burden
that is not mine to bare and never was to begin with".

Then I bunched all the ripped up pieces of the letter in my hand
and had a "Ceremonial Burning".
I put them in a ceramic bowl
and watched the pieces of your letter
burn into ashes...into "oblivion and beyond".

You Know Me Not!

Written by Rhiannon (Barbara R.) July 2009

"It's a real long way to go, to say good-bye,
I thought we already did that, so long tell the world...
well I'll make it, yes, I'm going to make it, one more time..
Well, I made up my mind...I won't be calling
because I think about the heartbroken ones...
oh no you are fading out...
Well I can do it
Well I can make it
yes, I can make it
one more time..
yes, you are fading now
Well it's been a real long way to go
to say good-bye
I thought we already said that
so have fun and tell the world....
Yes, you are fading now...
I'm going to make it..
yes, I'm going to make it
one more time..
oh, yes you are fading now...
so long and tell the world.

*Lyrics above "Long Way To Go" written and sung by Stevie Nicks

*The pic above is of one of my favorite Artist, Native American Indian , Robert Mirabal.
He is a musician, singer, writer, storyteller, dancer, flute maker, and actor*

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Dedicated to my sister...Hold on....I love you..

This post is dedicated to my younger sister "P". This photograph was taken at a wedding shower for me in 1984. My sister was 30 and I was 34. My sister is the "Blonde" on the left and I'm the "Brunette" on the right. Not only were we different in hair color but we are and were as different as night is to day. Yet we've much in common in some ways, as we've both gone through a lot of very difficult "hurts and wounds" throughout our lives. But we each took very very different paths because of them. I didn't know what I could do to help her....and so I did a "fast" today thinking of her and asking for a blessing, that her Guardian Angels be all around her at this time, healing her body, spirit, heart and mind....

Dear Sister,


that I am thinking of you

every day

my heart yearns

for healing

for you

for both of us

love lost in our lives


that we both

did try our best

in our own

weird way

to survive

the best we could....

under very very

difficult circumstances....

I am trying

to remember

the good times

with you...

and not the bad....

our trying not to laugh

at the dinner table

knowing full well

that the more we did

the more trouble

we were in....

but we continued

to laugh anyway

kicking one another

under the table..

we laughed so hard

we could barely breath....

yes, those were wild

and crazy times..

our rebellion

is what freed

our hearts....

hard as it may be

for others to understand

we continued on

and did all the things

we were never


to do


All the wild times

and crazy things

that we both did


dancing and head banging

the music blasting

letting all our tears

and pain

and fears

fade away

feeling free

in the movements

letting it all

"hang out"....

back then

we knew

it was the only way

to sing

to play

to dance

the pain away...

we paid for it


and we knew

we would

but we did it anyway....

it was worth it....

wasn't it?

As time went on

our journeys

went down seperate paths

along different directions

in our travels in life

and now we've come

to another hurdle

the most difficult kind.....

I shed tears

and remember

the good times...

Remembering and hoping

for new times

for a new day

in the dawning

of softer rhymes

for a new beginning

in a new way

for you...

Please know.....

that I love you....

and I do forgive you....

don't give up....

Hold on....


Your Sister

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Happy 4th Blog Anniversary to me!

It's now official! I started this blog 4 years ago this month of July! It seems even longer than that...for some reason. So I hope you all will drop by and post a comment, maybe having a thought or two about first connecting with my blog and I...or just your thoughts about our friendships through the years... or just to drop by and say "Hi" and wish me a Happy 4th Blog Anniversay"!
It's amazing how I still have many of my orginal (from the beginning) blog friends that have stuck with me "through and through" all this time. Being there for me through the good and the bad, the thick and thin. Some people came and went...and then there are my fairly new blog friends within 6 months to one year ago. I feel very blessed and priviledged to have gotten to know all of you and I want to thank all of you for the many blessings of being my dear blog friends.
Some of you are on the other side of the world in another country. I thank you for the ones across the country and across the world that have snail mailed me, written wonderful Birthday greetings with beautiful cards and wonderful hand written thoughts. Along with beautiful surprising gifts some of you have sent to me! "Dreaming Firefly", all the way from Singapore, you have been such a loving, supportive and kind friend to me from the very beginning. I will never forget you. SiSstar Kylita, thank you from the bottom of my heart! You have been so incredibly thoughtful. and such a good friend to me. Carolyn all the beautiful 8 "special" Angel figurines are so very beautiful I love them, along with the other suprises you sent me! Thank you so much for being so thoughtful and I will take very precious care of your precious angels. Kerry, Carolyn, Ardi, Sister Anne, Lydia, Sarah, David, a very special thanks! David is a very talented poet and you can find his blog on my blog list of friends to the left of my blog, click on "Uncle David". He sent me one of his books "The Trinity" a book of "Poetry and Art". He is a very very talented man...born to be a poet. He address's all the aspects of life. "The Trinity" is an incredible book of poems and my favorite poem in there David is "The American Killer". You can find this poem in his blog in his archives.
This is such a treasure when I receive these personal touches along the way. Some of you are on the other side of the U.S...not many of you are very close by me or near my state at all....two I think...but you are all very close to me in my heart. We all have built a very special bridge of friendship, love and communication all the way across the world.!...our paths have met along this bridge of kindness, understanding, friendship and love.


Love and Blessings,

Your loyal friend, Rhi

Monday, July 06, 2009

The Fox and the Child...I watched this tonite..wonderful

I watched this beautiful movie tonite. I just loved it. At the end of the movie I felt the childs last words were so made me cry and smile at the same time. Watching this movie reminded me in some ways of me as a child and young teen when we always went camping, whether the forest or the desert. My parents were always fighting and yelling and I would walk away from the campsite for a mile or two and find myself in some "Enchanted land". Where I always felt such peace and serenity and would look at the beauty around me and talk to the little animals. I never felt scared, instead it felt the "safest" place for me to be in the world. I always felt such a connection. I have stayed this way ever since a connection with nature has never left frees my spirit.

I miss not being able to go out to the ocean or country much. I miss the ocean so very much! But I can take walks and look up at the beautiful trees and the beautiful sky and feel the wind in my face and hair and I am happy. I look out my apartment window and there are these cute squrriles that come up to the window every day..and believe it or not there are these two bluebirds that I talk to from the window and I swear they come right up near the window and look up at me and yes "MY CAT" too!...who is sitting on the window seal. They have kind of become our friends. Oh, did I mention the two ducks that fly over to the lawn ( I have no clue where they fly from there is no body of water near that I know of) and they come "Quacking" up to the window too. I talk to all of these creatures as I always have. I know it's strange but it's always been this way with me and all the creatures and animals.

What a wondrous movie. I'm so glad I decided to pick this one to rent at blockbusters. It reminded me of my innocence and the freedom I used to feel in my difficult childhoold... I had found a "safe place" to go and temporarily a way to walk away from all the dysfunction. I would highly recommend renting this beautiful movie to all my blog friends.