In between the moments where love has come and gone
I've felt the grace of surrender
through my tears
almost a release
of what has gone by
in my life......
There's been times
I've continously asked "Why, why, why"?
to be oppressed and denied
my own thoughts and feelings
by others naive "assumptions"
"Judgements" and "lectures" of me....
when they Know Me Not!
Nor will they ever it appears...
I got your letter late last night mother.....
After reading your evil sick twisted
fundamental baptist bullshit of "denial"
I printed it out last night
and then ripped it into pieces
and threw it into the trash
trying to get rid of the pain....
I tried to "rise above" this so many times
that I should be elevating above the floor
at this point....
I "allowed" you to lay it on me "again"....
But it still hurt all through the night
and part of me cried inside
"I am your daughter! You have a daughter you haven't seen or known in over 25 years"!!
"You know me Not"!....and you never will...this I accept.....I must...in order to heal....I must..
But waking up this morning that "Wound" still had reopened
and started to fester again.....
so I pulled all the ripped up pieces of your letter
out of the trash, put them all together
knelt down on them
and surrendered you and your letter
up to higher power
the God of my understanding
and the Angels
and to Spirit
much more powerful and forgiving forces
than I......
and I said
"I leave this, my mother and family (by blood)
in your hands to take care of
in whatever way you chose fit to handle it
I surrender to higher power with trust".
"For I chose to no longer carry a burden
that is not mine to bare and never was to begin with".
Then I bunched all the ripped up pieces of the letter in my hand
and had a "Ceremonial Burning".
I put them in a ceramic bowl
and watched the pieces of your letter
burn into ashes...into "oblivion and beyond".
You Know Me Not!
Written by Rhiannon (Barbara R.) July 2009
"It's a real long way to go, to say good-bye,
I thought we already did that, so long tell the world...
well I'll make it, yes, I'm going to make it, one more time..
Well, I made up my mind...I won't be calling
because I think about the heartbroken ones...
oh no you are fading out...
Well I can do it
Well I can make it
yes, I can make it
one more time..
yes, you are fading now
Well it's been a real long way to go
to say good-bye
I thought we already said that
so have fun and tell the world....
Yes, you are fading now...
I'm going to make it..
yes, I'm going to make it
one more time..
oh, yes you are fading now...
so long and tell the world.
*Lyrics above "Long Way To Go" written and sung by Stevie Nicks
*The pic above is of one of my favorite Artist, Native American Indian , Robert Mirabal.
He is a musician, singer, writer, storyteller, dancer, flute maker, and actor*
5 comments:
"The God of my understanding" is profound and has such true meaning.
Profound is the only word I can describe your effort to heal. Let the healing begin!
Your new blog template is BEAUTIFUL. I love it. And I love this poem and what it signifies: release. May your walk away from the pile of ashes be peaceful from here on, and may you from this point forward never look back. Peace to you, Rhi.
Looks as if you have the place all spiffy and to your liking.
Hope that you are all moved in now and settling into an easy pattern.
Dearest SisSTAR ... your post just brought tears to my eyes. I understand so well, perhaps not with my mother but certainly with family members I've cherished and yearned for their understanding of me...as I always worked so hard to understand them. I honor you in what you are doing, reaching higher than ever in your quest to heal thyself! The burning ceremony has so much meaning, and your words. I say to you, Dear One, to be Your Own Mother ... just as we are told to love the Child Within, we can also nurture ourselves as the mother we'd wished we had and that mother can be yourself because you can pick at a scab if it itches and think you're speeding up the process of healing, but it heals faster when you "let it alone" and before you know it, voila! no scab, no wound, fresh, clear "skin".
I look fwd to talking with you soon and will email or post a comment here to let you know before I attempt a call ... or you never know, I may surprise you and actually find you answering!?
I love you, SisSTAR Rhiannon.
Namaste xo
Dear Rhi,
I read this the other day and tried to comment, but Blooger was acting up.
This post made me cry because I felt such a closeness to you. I go thru such the same with my own mother, always telling myself I won't allow her to destroy me again. Then she gets thru a crack in my heart somehow. I wish we were neighbors in the physical sense, but we are in spirit. Know you have an understanding friend over here who feels your energy and knows your pain. Heal soon my friend. (((Hugs)))
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