Saturday, December 29, 2012

Friday, December 28, 2012

And so a new Year will begin soon..without my sweet cat "Lizzie"...

And so I try each day when I wake up, to feel "okay" about life in general. But ever since my sweet "Lizzie" (my cat I had since she was 6 weeks old) had to be put to sleep on Nov. 27th,  just about a month ago now.  I feel such a sadness.  I feel somehow it's my fault. That 12 years of a life wasn't "enough" for her, her life should have been longer.  But for all I went through all these years, she went through also.  Then I begin to blame myself for her also having PTSD just like me.  My life made her life nerve wracking and so stressful.  She went through all the things I went through all these years.  I am so so sorry my sweet Lizzie.  Please forgive me.  But deep down inside, I know that I didn't ask for all the things that have happened to me.  I didn't ask to constantly be put on "alert" or "survival of the fetus" or "watch your back because no one has it but you) and so I sit here typing thinking "why"?  I think I'm okay for a day or two and though I tried to give away or throw away all of her things, so I wouldn't have to look and be "daily reminded" of her not being here and then I start crying again. You were like my "kid" you were my "family"!.......there is such a void, the "void of my Lizzie" who is "gone" now.  Wham!  Just like that you were "gone".  

  At times I turn around and start to talk to you like I always did.  Then one day I start to think it's time to feed you and I go in the kitchen and no bowl of water no bowel for cat food!  Every time I come home from the store or whatnot,  I "still" expect you to be laying right near the door, as you often did, and you would "greet" me...and I would talk to you.  It's so strange when I open my front door now and look and realize "your not here"!  12 years and your gone!

So I finally vacuumed today. First time since you died my sweet Lizzie.  Your long black hair filled up my vacuum cleaner, and as I took the long cup off the vacuum cleaner, I saw all your black hair and I burst into tears, sitting on the cold kitchen floor. Now I know why I put off vacuuming for so long.  I kept putting it off, because  I knew this is the "last of you" I would be seeing.  Sounds so silly doesn't it?  Yes, I know, but I understand why I fell apart today...acceptance of your passing will take me some time.  Time "heals all wounds" they say.  How strange that a week after your passing, that I marked on my calender the day you died.  Then I realized that it was Nov.27th the very same day that my very best friend in the world died 10 years ago.  What does this mean? Why did I not realize this the day you left this world?  I keep writing in my journal that you are on "your soul's journey" to a better place?  But I don't know.  I want to think this. Often I will "feel" this is true.  

I've lost so much through death for so many  years. My life seems to be going nowhere and I don't know what I am doing. I know after walking away from my sister (after two years of being sucked dry by her complete and utter selfishness)and her life and trying to take care of you in the last two years also, my dear sweet Lizzie and your Dementia, and your were going through I don't know how much pain.   I did all I could to help you, to pick you up and take you to the kitty litter box, to meet your constant needs. To hear you cry and meow and cry and I tried so hard to "make it all better" but I couldn't.  I couldn't "fix it".  I failed.  My way of life destroyed yours.  I know you never adapted to the way of  "apartment living",  it spooked you so.  I've still not adapted to it well either.  Our privacy had been taken away. So much noise pollution,  neighbors yelling, loud tvs. people talking loudly right at our apartment door. You just hated that it scared you so, made you so jumpy and nervous.  I can almost remember thinking sometimes you looking at me so "spooked" and it was like your saying to me "Mom, how come we don't live in those little houses you used to rent, our own "little homes"?  I know you didn't understand why.  I am so so so sorry that what I had to do in my life, affected your life so much, that you had to leave this planet sooner. 

Yet as time goes on, I realize how I have been "there" for my sister and worked so hard to make sure she was "safe" and food to eat, and a place to live (still just down the hallway from me) and then watching my sweet Lizzie become so weak and not "herself" and I never had any time anymore, to take care of me. it was a constant, "jump take care of this or help you sister, or "now you need to help Lizzie"...You couldn't jump on the bed, or a chair or even the low couch.  I had to pick you up and carry you around from place to place for so very long.  I know I kept putting off what I didn't want to face.  Now I am faced with more "reality". That somewhere along the last two years, I really did "lose myself".   I continue to ask myself "where did I go"?  I don't feel like myself, I don't have the "creativity" there was never any time.  My health has gone down a lot. I have not eaten enough or eaten "right".  So many things, so much stress. No wonder I kept having dreams of someone coming to pick me up in a nice new car and they drove me wherever I needed to go.  For the first time in years and years and years, I felt what it was like to be A PASSENGER in my dreams!  I felt it in my dreams, along with being "served" a meal and waited on hand and foot!  I  have not known this feeling in any way shape or form for so long in "real life". 

Things are getting better I guess.  My dear friend "Paul" who is legally blind so he can't drive a car, yet he has been so "there for me" and I didn't think I could be "vulnerable" with him.  I am still scared to be "vulnerable" with him or anyone.  I had to be strong for so long and still must.  Maybe my body, soul and mind have just had enough.  It's too hard I don't want to keep pushing myself onward anymore. To where?  Has the "dreamer" in me given up?

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Spiritual lessons...to learn from the devastation at Sandy Hook Elementary School shootings




Sadness pours over me
like waves
crashing in the sea
innocent young souls
gone
as the tide rolls
into eternity....

I'm asking myself 
where 
and when
did this country
go wrong?
For it seems
when it comes to guns
our rights and freedoms
to own them
over ride
any awakening dawn
to see reality
more clear...
so we do nothing
other then to grieve
and shed our tears.


But now it seems 
these Spiritual lessons 
are finally 
right in our face
and these facts
we know in our hearts
can no longer be erased...

How ironic is it 
that the name
of the school
is "The Sandy Hook Elementary School"?
Obviously
there is a huge spiritual lesson
coming from all of this
for all of us
to hear,  see and feel....

Written by Rhiannon (Barbara) Dec. 15th, 2012

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Face slapping...my secret!....I've been doing this for many years. It works!

Face Slapping.  I saw and read this online yesterday.  I just had to say to myself, "finally they are catching up on what I've been doing for myself for many years now"!  It increases the circulation in your face.  So, along with wearing moisture sunblock since  my 20's,  I guess people always asking me "what's your secret to having such great skin on your face?...no wrinkles"!  I usually just say "clean living" and thought that is true also. However the face slapping was something I started doing about 15 years ago. I started thinking one day to myself, "well our face needs to have increased circulation also"!  So I started slapping my face (not too hard but not too light either) for about 3 minutes. I slap my  face all over, right after I put my tinted sunscreen moisturizer on every day.  Or do it right after putting moisturizer on while your face is slightly damp.


Sunday, October 21, 2012

Your rights as a voter in America

I voted today and put my private "sealed" ballot envelope into an official "Ballot dropbox".  Vote early if you can!

It is against the law

1. To obstruct an entrance or building in which a voting booth or official ballot dropsite is located.
2. To coerce, pressure or otherwise unduly "influence" another voter.
3. To deface, remove, alter, or destroy another voters ballot or posted election notice, or election equipment and supplies.

As a registered voter you have the right

1. To vote even if you are homeless.
2. To ask for help from election staff or from a friend or family member. There are some people who "Cannot" help you vote. For example, your BOSS or a union officer from your job.
3. To  know if your ballot (including a "Provisional ballot") was accepted for counting.
4. To file a complaint if you think your voting rights have been denied.
5. To a secret vote. You DO NOT have to tell anyone how you voted.

So I ask all of you out there "what has happened to our rights as voters"?  Is "Big money" taking away our rights as voters? Looks like it to me.  They not only are trying to "repress" people from voting, but  also they are wanting us to "fear" "them".  Is their "Intimidation" working?  God, I hope not! This is America? Ask yourself "What the heck is happening to our country"?

Just some food for thought. Please consider our voting rights as American citizens and please do not let fear control any of you!

Love and Blessing to all,

Rhiannon

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Voting Discrimination is a weapon upon we the citizens

I live in the state of Oregon. We have been voting via mail for many many years now.  We get our ballot and booklet info in the mail a few weeks before the election.  I vote in my own home. I go through everything and read all the info, then make my  decisions.  I sign my name and follow the mailing it back instructions.   I have a "registered voter card" in my wallet.  That should be good enough for anyone to be able to vote.  But I have not ever had to show it to anyone.  We have no problems here in our state in relation to "discrimination" or certain groups or people trying to "check us out" to see if we are a "valid voter". 

I find what a certain Political party is trying to do to make less people vote, (in order to win) by scare tactics, anger and such is "HORRIFIC"!  But you keep on spending all that money, by trying to scare people, because you will never ever win based on trying to get people to live in "fear".    Who wants to live that way anyway? We are a free country aren't we?  Right? Aren't we? 

Just something for all of us citizens to think about. You know what the right thing to do is...I know I do!  Vote!  Do not fear, stand up for your rights and march on and VOTE in this very important election.  Stop living in the past and "move on".  Okay, I'm ready for that!  Come together not "apart" and we in this nation will get through this and we will survive!

Rhiannon

Saturday, September 08, 2012

Shell Shocked...first draft writing last night

Shell Shocked


It was as if
a tearing of my soul
my inner voice
just stood there
as if there was no choice
damaged, shell shocked
to the very core
of my being
my eyes and heart
not seeing
nor believing
what was true
all along......
in my sensitivity
and caring
I accepted you
into my life

My lesson to learn?
stay true to thyself
or watch yourself burn
go down
in flames
and drown
in the pain
watching your soul
turn to embers
becoming cold to the touch
the fires gone out
of me......
to be replaced
by thoughts of
"Where did I go"?
I  lost myself.......


To be continued...


Written Sept. 7th, 2012, by Rhiannon  
@copyrights Rhiannon (Barbara)

Katy Perry - Wide Awake...trying to find my inner child and spirit again...walking away from my sister I awoke...

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Sisters of The Moon Stevie Nicks

The lyrics in this video (below) sung by Stevie Nicks, are my message to my "Sister" .  "When the ones around you, who were the most cruel, and they say will you be my "sister", brother"?..."well you say "no, no no no no Baby Sister "No More"!  It's over, no more! However I must admit my failure in not stopping this when I knew I should have.  I wanted to give you a chance, time.  So..that was my failure and my major mistake.  My intuition I did not want to heed. Big big major mistake on my part.  I should have known better.

Two years of my life I sacrificed and dedicated to save yours...and now I know you played me for a fool...you used me, lied, cheated, stole from me, took advantage of my kindness and are cruel.  So I remove myself from your life.  I am unwilling to condone the way you lead your life, the way you acted in my presence.  

From this day forward, I am no longer a part of your life. I have tried and tried and tried and done all I could to educate you, to help you, to hope you would finally grow up and learn from your lessons, as we all try to do. You have not learned, you are just going backwards once again. 

Everything is "Always about you" and no one else.  Your incapable of loving anyone, you are self absorbed, demanding,  jealous (of what I asked you?) rude, mean, cut me down with your cruel words and remarks.  I will not be a doormat for you.  I will not allow you to use me.  Go...learn to live with yourself, get to know yourself, stop using people for your own advantage.  Grow up!

I must remove myself from your life, and have no connection with you, in order to save mine.  You played me for two years.  Two years of my life! You used me and you are one of the most selfish people I've known in my life, and I've known quite a few selfish people in my life...you are the worse! Why? Because you are my "Sister"! That's why.  That's why it hurts so much. We are sisters only in blood though.  Though you live just down the hallway I must stay true to myself and leave you be.  I want nothing further to do with you and I do not want to be involved in any of your "bullsh**" anymore!

Thank you my dear friend "Paul" for being there for me with all this.  Who would have thought we could still "connect"? Also thank you to my dear blog friend, "Sistar Kylita" for not giving up  on me and acknowledging what I've been going through.  It means so much to me.  Also thank you to my blog friend "Goatman" for checking in on me here.  It meant more to me than you'll know.  I hope you are doing better and healing.

Now, I shall go and listen to my "inner voice", the mystical "intuitive" "Lady Rhiannon"...And so I shall begin once again, in slowly finding my path to Spirit...and the "Gypsy that I am"...

Blessings to all,

Rhiannon



Friday, February 10, 2012

Branching out....

My Heart and Soul
is like a small tree
becoming more "rooted"
with growing and "branching out"
towards the "inner beauty"
that rises up
and stands tall
facing the billowing 
soft white clouds
in the Mystical blue sky
of life's  eternal reincarnation....



Written by Rhiannon:  January 4th, 2012
Copyrights@owned by Barbara R. (Rhiannon)

Saturday, January 28, 2012

The Homeless live in Boxes and the Rich live in Castles..

I wrote this poem below back in February 2007. I found it in my blog archives and decided to post it again now. I felt the theme to this poem fit well with all that's going on in the world now. I dedicate this simple structured poem (with typo mistakes and all) to many. To the People suffering in Haiti, to the many people living in total poverty and to the homeless and hungry all over the world. I also dedicate this poem to the homeless people suffering here in this country, the "good ole US of A"...and to those living in poverty in this country (which includes myself) with little (if any) medical care or insurance and trying to make it for years all on their own. We are strong in Spirit even if not in body. We all will survive!

I also dedicate this poem to Rush Limbaugh....bless his heartless soul! I wish to thank him...and many others like him. For they have become my reinforcement to continue to push on and persevere and to not let people like them destroy this country with their selfish, heartless, sick "denial" and twisted paranoia "Rich" mentality. They live in a Bubble that will one day soon just go "pop"!!! I will pray for their heartless souls....they must have been hurt deeply, somewhere way back in their past......and from their "past" darkness, this has been and "is" still their outlet...either that or all the money they make "convincing" and "using" people who refuse to think for themselves or look up "Facts". Controlling type people like this are really wimpy and sad souls...don't you think?

Angel Blessings to us all. Let them wrap their loving wings around this world in hopes for a better tomorrow.

Love, Rhi


August 8th, 2008

I never realized that in my own life in the last year this would also happen to me, no matter how hard I tried to prevent it from happening..there are many out there with stories and believe me there are many homeless woman out there and they did their best to try to prevent if from happening also..it's been a long road for them and it is for me...but finally I'm making some headway. We need to understand the consequences and reasons of poverty and "why" it happens so often in this country. I hope my poem below will help some to understand. I wrote this before becoming homeless nor knowing that I would be! Ironic isn't it?

Povertys last affect
Poverty
Traumatic rejects....

People homeless
and living in the street
the rich wanting everything
all tidy and neat
deny the homeless
a safe place to stay
deny a human dignity
and send them on their way

Know that everyone has a story
of how this came to be
traumatic rejects
living in poverty...

Deny their cries
Deny their pain
Deny their freezing cold
or sleeping in the rain
Deny them
with
senseless
Babbling lies
Deny them
in our superior
protective disguise
Deny them
when looking
into their haunting eyes....

Turning
you look the other way
from traumatic rejects
of society's evil plays
of society's evil ways..

Love thy neighbor it says
but I only see ignorance
and hatred instead
Bigoted, fear
and selfish ways
keep our society
the way it is
and will stay
as long as denial
rules the game
everything will always
stay the same
for you see
denial makes that uncomfortable feeling go away
the thought and feeling that
"Hey that could be me one day"...

Fear rules society
and fear gets its way
and people in castles
will continue to play

Some people put others
into neat little boxes
But the Homeless
are forced to live in them.....
So turn your porch lights off
and go to bed
and pretend
you'll never know
think of something else
instead
for many Homeless
will be cold tonite
and you know full well
that some
will not be waking up
in the morning light...

*When you next see, walk by or come upon a homeless person in your own hometown
please stop and have the inner "spirit courage" to help them out with a blanket, an old warm coat you don't wear anymore, or even a can of food, or candy, maybe even a book or some spare change. Yes there is a chance some might spend it on booze or cigarettes, but I've talked with many homeless people in my town here and I've heard many many stories of how they got to the point where they are now...and believe me its usually not what your thinking.
Remember that we all do not come from families that care or will be there for us in desperate time of need, realize that there are many famiiles out there that are so dysfunctional and so terrifying that there are many that must leave in order to protect themselves because the law did not.. So if your greatful for being in a good loving family that is there for you and you for them, take the time to share some of the "love" around and give it to someone for just one minute, and believe me they will never forget your gesture....and just think if every person that is greatful for having a good loving family made this gesture just once how much we all would be making a difference in so many lives, even if just for a minute or a day or a week...."Spread the love around to ones who don't have it"....

Thank you for taking the time to read this...

With many Blessings,

Rhi

Written my Rhiannon (Barbara R.) Feb. 15th, 2007