Sunday, December 01, 2013

Van Halen - Jump . I'm so ready to "JUMP" off this train wreck I've been on for so long! C'mon let's "Jump"! I want to have fun! It's beyond time for me to Jump, oh yeahI might as well "Jump"!

You got it tough
I've seen the toughest around
and I know baby
just how you feel
you got to roooollllll
with the punches 
to get to what's real

Thursday, November 07, 2013

Memories of good times in my life in the mid 70's

"Me" outside and inside..,in the mid 70's

My hair, kind of spiky short on top
like Linda McCartney
but the rest of my hair
very long
reddish brown color
huge hoop earrings
low rise flared jeans
backless crop top
tied around my neck
my belly button
and stomach
for all to see
usually barefoot
bottom eyelashes
lined inside with
dark brown pencil
slightly smudged
black mascara
on top eyelashes
sunblock lotion
always on my face
every day
no other face make up
but lip gloss...
remember when 
it used to all be
kind of "natural" then?

My life seemed so carefree
I felt so free
didn't worry about much
lived in the moment
driving my seafoam VW bug
down Laurel canyon
with my music blasting
singing to the songs
I'm on the way to the beach
all the other people
in cars 
headed for home

from suntanning all day...
I was headed to the beach
to watch the sun go down
and the moon come up
I've arrived!
Walking down the rock path
taking me down
to the sand
and the sea
just me
running in the sand
my hair flying
with the ocean breeze
the ocean is
calling to me
sticking my feet

in the water
sitting on the sand
the cool sand
looking at the ocean
waves quietly lapping
yet so quiet
running back 
to the shore again
as the tide rolls in
sticking my toes in
feeling the gravity
of the pulling sensation
of water running
through my feet
jeans wet
all the way
up to my knees
who cares?
of a day
slowly ending
turning to night
as the sun shines
like golden embers
fading down 
against the ocean view..
Moon coming up
getting brighter
watching a sunset
and a moonrise
my favorite time
sitting on the sand
watching it
feeling it
feeling totally connected
to mother nature
a sense of peace
and blissfullness
inside of me
Nature and I
at one
feeling completeley

looking around 
no one else here
on the beach
wow...I thought
what they are missing
all were there to get their tan?
during the day?
then all go home
so I can have
this beauty 
all to myself....
I'm kind of feeling
like my Pisces 
Mermaid self...

What a moment 
of time
to remember
a wonderful
beautiful memory...

I have not been to the ocean for many years now.
I miss it's kind of like that for me now.
I miss so many things
I want back..
but onward I go
to who knows where?

James Blunt - Bonfire Heart [Official Video]

Monday, October 28, 2013

Lou Reed...

Rest in Peace Lou Reed.  A monumental "alternative rocker" with underground radio "in the day".   Lou had unique guitar licks (very blunt and basic but it worked wonderfully) and oh how I loved "Sweet Jane", "Oh what a perfect day", etc..etc.  I still have the Velvet Underground album from Andy Warhol, with the Banana on the cover, and Nico in their group then.  Along with having 4 other albums from Lou in my collection of albums I've kept all these years.. 


 Hey "Walk on the wild side" buddy.  Will miss you. You lived a much longer life than most expected, I know. Long live Lou Reed's memory!

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Happy Autumn to all...

The Colors of Home 

I long for "Home"
Where it is I still do not know
so down the path I continue to roam
looking behind me but walking forward
facing the unknown
my soul calls out
looking for my roots
and the special place
I will call my "Home"..

Fall beckons me forward
even though
at times I look back
the colors of the autumn leaves
slowly reminding me
that change is pulling me
towards the future
and new voices
are calling to me
whispering in yellows
and oranges and reds
I now follow the path
towards the changing seasons
as they call to me
more clearly now.

*Written by Rhiannon (Barbara) Oct.3rd 2008* *Copyrights owned by Barbara R.*

Saturday, September 07, 2013

Then there were only two...

Well, I guess life can't get any more strange than it has in the last 7 months or so.  I had way too much high expectations and  "hope" of having a "connection" with my Mother and my older sister.  All of my "concerns" that I had addressed to both my Mother and my older sister after my Dad died "happened".  Along with my trying to plan on my trip down there to Southern California...well guess what? Turns out I'm not going, and probably never will. But hey who knows, there's always miracles right?

Within a few months of my Father's death, my conversations with my mother on the phone, slowly began to change. My older sister had almost immediately taken over "power of attorney" after my Father's death.  It was explained to me why. Which at first made sense to me. But then I began to see what was happening. Yes, my Mother and Father's house needed a lot of repair and even some remodeling, but then spending a lot of my mother's money on the whole deal, and it still continuing, I finally had the "aha moment" and it hit me like a ton of bricks!  My Mother and Father's house will be left to my older sister, (which I had already been told right after Dad passed away)  when my Mother passes. My older sister and her husband have their own home and it's all paid off.  As horrible as it is to even think, let alone write in here, I realize now that my mother's money (left to her by Dad)  was spent on completely remodeling the house.  All that's left to remodel is the bathroom. Nothing is the same.  Imagine how much that all cost? Well, I realized that  my Mother's money was being spent for all of this. And when my Mother's passes, the plan is to sell the house ASAP! Now that it is all completely redone and will sell for a much higher price and therefore my older sister and her husband will benefit greatly from all of this. Well done older sister! Your "priorities" are very clear to me now.  I asked you quite a few times, where all this money was coming from on remodeling the house. You responses to me, did not tell me the whole truth. Well I hope with everything in me, that my Mom lives for many years and gets to enjoy what she paid for.  It's only right. My mother is 87 but most women on my Mom's side of the family live into their mid or late 90's! Mom, I want you to enjoy your "new home" for a long long long time!

I know and understand that my mother realizes she is dependent on my sister now, since my Dad passed on.  My sister kept putting off my trip down there.  I kept trying to "tactfully" explain to her why I could only go down there a certain time frame of the year, due to being "in the system" here and having to always take care of a lot of paperwork and "reapplications" or "re-certifications" throughout the year.  I even e-mailed her detailed information on flights I could take in certain months and all the info on that, so she wouldn't have to stress about it.  It took a lot of my time, but I kept at it. hear..."It's not a good time this month, we're too busy remodeling the house, maybe next month".  Every month that passed, she started repeating this in her e-mails to me. Funny, she never seemed to want to talk to me on the phone, but I get why now.  I know she is very high strung and "controlling" but I think she knows that I am very "aware" and smart about things.  I have to be,  I'm a "survivor".  I pick up on things pretty quickly. I might start "asking her questions" which I did do, via e-mail. She did not answer my questions or concerns.  So, it was best to not talk to me on the phone, just stupid e-mails on and on. It has been good for my mother and I to talk on the phone on a regular basis.  However I noticed she started to say different things then "the plan of my visit down there" and I became stressed and confused.  As each month went by, I tried to explain to her some things, to see if she was "clear".  She seemed "clear headed" but started being in "denial".  That hurt me so much. So I'm in counseling now with a very good therapist.  She was concerned that I was being "led on" and that I had had too much of high expectations that my trip down there would actually happen.  Then I had to own up, that it didn't appear that it was going to all. 

So, as hard as it was to sit down and write and think about how I would "word" things to my Mother (on the phone) and to address "the issues", well, I  did it. And I did it tactfully, in a mature manner, yet honest, and expressed to her "why did things change from what you and my sister both kept tellling  me "not to worry" "over and over" that I had nothing to worry about, I would be coming down there "soon" and much more "promises".  I then told Mom, that I realize now that I had had too high expectations, that the family had "actually changed" when it appeared to not be so.  I was amazed that my Mom even heard me out and didn't hang up on me!  However she did not answer nor "explain" why things "had changed" to me.  She changed the subject and then I "knew" and it hurt me so much.  Talking with my counselor, I said "it's not going to happen and I am so stupid for even believing it would, I should have known better, my older sister is still the same "controlling person" she has always been and the family is still very dysfunctional".   I tried very "carefully and tactfully" to share with Mom that she had the "right" to speak up for herself to my older sister,  To share with my older sister, her "wants, needs, and how she feels about "things".  I actually was and still am trying to  "protect" my mother and keep reminding her that it is "her life"  and she has "rights".  If this is all I can do from here, than so be it.  I will continue to talk with my Mother on the phone, but not as much as I have been.  It's gotten to stressful and hurtful for me. And I also don't want to upset my mother about this.  I know that "she knows" what I meant.  She is a sharp cookie, but is for the first time in 60 some years living alone and so is very "vulnerable" to manipulation.  She does depend on my older sister and my sister's husband also.  I do understand that my mother needs them.  Of course she does.  But to my older sister I say to you "shame on you, shame shame shame on you for your utter controlling and selfish  behavior in taking advantage of our mother"!!  Our actions and our "in actions" show our true character. And you have shown your true character.  I do not see that you have changed much at all through the years.  I find this sad and feel sorry for you, for being and acting like this.  You got everything you wanted (and more) and may you be happy in your so called "Christian" behavior".  You call yourself a "Christian"?  Well, I don't see you acting like one at all. 

I had so hoped for all three of us to throw my Dad's ashes over  his favorite Rose bushes as my Dad had requested in his will. Also, all of my Father's dying wishes and what he also said in his living will...well none of those wishes will happen at all.  And Dad I am so so so sorry for this....and it makes me so sad, that not one, let alone "any" of your dying wishes will come true.  If I could I would make them all come true.  I am glad you are not on earth to see what's happening.  It would have broken your heart.  Your in a better place now, where you won't have to witness this.  I love you Dad and think of you so often.

Love, your daughter,


Monday, July 15, 2013

Is it just me, or does anyone else feel this way of late?

Is it just me or does our country seem to be getting more and more bizarre, self absorbed and so much more violent these days? Maybe it's just that with the way technology is nowadays that you  are constantly bombarded with so much "stuff" that you just don't want to see or hear it anymore? Surely there is some good news and some kind of "Humanness" of "we beings" that  we can share and care and love one another enough to make that positive change?

Things seem so "surrealistic" the last few years.  I just don't know anymore.  I kind of feel like I am living in some kind of twilight zone, like "way out there". The thought that just keeps coming to my mind "this is not real, this is not happening, surely we have evolved in some good ways"? What has happened to we human beings? Have we still not learned enough to make those changes that are so important to this world?  

We must never give up in hoping for the greater good for everyone. Can we stop the fear, the hate, the anger, that is so rampant these days? Please feel free to share your thoughts with me about what you think is going on, or happening to us?

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Dedicated to my Dad on Father's Day..........

Dear Dad,

I've been thinkng
of you so often
of things I wanted
to say to you
of the things
I didn't do
of the thoughts
I hold so dear
to my heart.......
these thoughts seem
so very clear
to me now....
that your safe
and loved
in the Essence
of the Light
of perfect Peace
and Grace above.....
no earthly pain
nor strife
no more worries
of what the next day
may bring
for you found yourself
at Heavens Gate
as the Angels began to sing
"Welcome home beloved one
welcome home beloved son".

"Welcome Home to the Light Dad"...

 Love always,

Your daughter,

Monday, May 20, 2013

Ray Manzarek, founder of the Doors, R.I.P

Founder of the group "The Doors" Ray Manzarek,  passed on today. He was 74.  Ray was the founder of the most incredible and "unique" rock group, in the late 60's, that in my opinion, there has been no other group that has ever sounded like them "ever" and there never will be!.  Ray's unique keyboard playing was what made the Doors music sound very unique, when most groups at that time, leaned very heavily into guitar playing and "guitar licks". Jim Morrison's incredible talent, writing songs and singing them. His voice was incredibly different, sexy, deep, screaming out, or rasping, or "snarling", or singing a lovely ballad with his deep voice. The Doors unique sound cannot be "copied".   Ray met Jim Morrison while attending UCLA film school.  They ran into one another at Venice Beach one day and Jim showed Ray some of the lyrics to his songs and his poems. From there it began,  "The Doors" were created. They hung out at Venice Beach a lot, during that time...the "Beginning" of the "Door's".. 

I met Jim Morrison during one of my high school years, where they did a concert at our gymnasium at our school. I was in a small "posture gym class" just about 10 of us girls.  One of the girls in my class "Terry" knew Jim Morrison, hung out with him and the group and she brought in their first "Light my fire" album, before it had even been played on the radio. We used to listen, sing and dance to it in our gym class, as our teacher rarely showed up, or didn't really care what we did in that class. Terry told me all about Jim, and I had a big crush on him just seeing his photo on the cover of the album, and listening to his voice singing the album in our gym class and loving all the songs. So, when the Doors used our little gym class for their dressing room, Terry introduced Jim Morrison and the rest of the guys in the band to us.  I will never forget that moment.  Jim had on his tight black leather pants and black leather jacket, and when he was introduced to me, he lifted up my hand and kissed it.  I had goosebumps! He was actually quite the gentlemen, meeting the girls in our gym class.  I was spellbound and knew this was a moment I would never ever ever forget!  Then on lunch break, we attended the Doors concert in the gymnasium.  Not many of the kids in school cared for it and booed them a lot.  But I just loved them and their music!  I knew the Door's were going to be something "big" and 'ahead of their time" and would be famous.  

I think it was the principal that must have called the police during the Door's concert.  Not sure why. The Door's were quite "out there" compared to most "pop type groups", at that time and as the police came, to "bust them", Jim Morrison became completely "passive" and so they dragged him across the gymnasium floor and out of the gym. So many of the kids in school told me i was "really weird" for liking Jim Morrison and the Doors. They said to me "your sick to like them, they are nobody's".  Ha! Only for the song "Light my Fire"and the album to very soon become number one on the "hit list" for a long long time and therein history was made! The Doors became a monumental success.  You either loved them or hated them.  I love and have memorized every Jim Morrison or Doors songs there are till this day. I also have a book of Jim Morrison's poems titled "The American Night, the writings of Jim Morrison "volume 2".''

Here is part of one of Jim Morrison's poem in the book called "An American Prayer". This is my favorite part. To think these words were written (especially about TV then) so long ago, yet ring so true in the "here and now" is just absolutely incredible!  Ray Manzarek created and started the group "The Door's" and Jim was the solo singer, most of the time. Without either of them, there would have been no "Doors" for us to open!  Which is why they named themselves "the Door's"..."doors opening into other dimensions, other directions, other paths, other ways...existentially.

R.I.P Ray and thanks for all the music!  I know Jim and you will get together and have some great talks in the "otherworld".

An American Prayer

Do you know we are being led to slaughters
by placid admirals
and that fat slow generals are getting
obscene on young blood?

Do you know we are ruled by T.V.?
the moon is a dry blood beast
Guerrilla bands are rolling numbers
in the next block of green vine
amassing for warfare on innocent herdsmen
who are just dying...

Written by James Douglas Morrison (1970-1971)

Wednesday, May 08, 2013

This is dedicated to my Father's passing....Melanie Safka: For My Father (1969)

My Father really loved music, all kinds, just like me. I think I inherited my love of music from him. He was a Pisces just like me. He got me my first record player at the age of 4, because he knew I was going to love music for the rest of my life. He saw my eyes light up with joy, upon opening that very "special" Christmas present, of a record player. He knew I would be so happy receiving this from him.

I would also come home and find my Father in my room, playing all my Melanie albums. "hey this is good stuff here, I just love these Melanie songs and her unique voice" he would say. Dad I dedicate this song to you. From your Loving daughter.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Rising above the chaos

Oh children, we have lived and died in so many of you. And we live in you again, again and again.  Your fearful human generations are like waves of cold sea water, splashing on our warm eternal shores.  You can keep being afraid and receding with each cold wave to incarnate again and yet again. Or you can begin to watch the waves, the waves of your generation's fears, the waves of your society's illusions, the waves of emotional control, and realize that "you are not the waves".

Quote from the book, "Return Of The Bird Tribes"
 written by Ken Carey

Photo taken by Rhiannon (Barbara R.)

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Into the light...Dad

My Dad went into "the light" and passed on last night in the late evening. He was in no pain, and peacefully sleeping.  He had been in acute constant pain in the last two months, almost unbearable. No more pain. His passing was 6 days after his Birthday and it was a full moon last night when he passed. I watched the moon shining so brightly through my living room window with a big grey cloud with bright pink lining, all around it,  hovering over the top of the moon.  It slowly covered the moon up, until only a tiny sliver of moonlight showing at the bottom. As I watched it I kept "feeling" and saying outloud, "Go into the light Dad, be at peace, you can let go now".  I imagined a white light wrapped around him like an embrace. That was when I got the call from my sister, saying my Dad had just passed on. Now whenever I see a dark grey cloud, with pink light around the edges, slowly covering a full moon, with only a sliver of moonlight showing at the bottom, I will always think of my Father knowing he is at peace now.

Talking with my older sister Karen, who had called me that Dad had passed on....and talking to my mother, both on the phone, trading the phone back and fourth to talk to me, we discussed a plan for me to come for a visit in the mid or late Spring. They both went out of their way to tell me they will pay for the plane fare "both ways", and pick me up when I arrive at LAX. I didn't want to burden them about my "food situation", or my not having enough money for plane fare, etc..  Since I get Oregon State Food stamps only, and not sure where I would stay while visiting there. I didn't know how to explain so they would understand and I felt kind of embarrassed about it. My Mom and sister both said  "no worries, you will stay with Mom,  so no worries about food, or where you'll stay and this is not a burden it is a "blessing".  Who would have thought that reaching out to one another during my Father's failing health and difficult times, (along with his passing on) in the last few months,  that it would actually bring a "healing connection" back with my Mother and older Sister down in the San Fernando Valley, in Los Angeles county?  I just hope I can handle the smog down there.  I'm told it's much better now because of the strict Environmental laws down there.

Right about now I feel like I'm somewhere between the Twilight Zone and the  Outer limits! I'm even hearing the "Do do do do do do, and the "there is nothing wrong with your tv, you do not need to adjust it, for you are now in the Outer Limits. I'm pretty spaced out, but it's a good kind of spaced out. I feel kind of "numb" but I know I am just going through a process of "change" and hopefully onward to a better and happier life.

Thank you for telling me you loved me two weeks ago Dad. And I got to tell you I loved you too. Your in the "Eternal light" now at peace.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

My Dad will be at peace soon

They have taken my Dad off the feeding tube and the ventilator. Now, it's just a matter of time.  I was able to talk to him on the phone, tell him I love him, he me, though I'm not sure if he understood, something tells me he did.  It was our last good-byes a week or so ago. My older sister has been keeping me updated. I was concerned for her she was trying to take care of it all every single day. So, finally she went "numb", I  told her she is in shock and her body is telling her to rest, as hard as that may be for her right now, she must.  My mother and I talk on the phone about every night. I've been doing the best I can from afar to give them all the support and info I can on Medicare business etc..  So now they have a social worker working with my older sister "Karen" and my mother. The social worker is helping reduce the load on my sister. 

My Dad made a living will a while back so all is being taken care of per his wishes. I am trying to keep my younger sister from making any more troubles during this sad time. She had kept calling them yelling at my mother and older sister telling them off. She is so selfish. So now her daughter is handling her. This is nothing new when it comes to my younger sister. I spent two years trying to help her to learn how to be an adult. Didn't work obviously.  We are abiding by my Dad, Mother and older sister's wishes to keep my younger sister from making this anymore heartbreaking than it already is.

May you be at peace in the "light" soon Dad. No more constant pain.