Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Into the light...Dad

My Dad went into "the light" and passed on last night in the late evening. He was in no pain, and peacefully sleeping.  He had been in acute constant pain in the last two months, almost unbearable. No more pain. His passing was 6 days after his Birthday and it was a full moon last night when he passed. I watched the moon shining so brightly through my living room window with a big grey cloud with bright pink lining, all around it,  hovering over the top of the moon.  It slowly covered the moon up, until only a tiny sliver of moonlight showing at the bottom. As I watched it I kept "feeling" and saying outloud, "Go into the light Dad, be at peace, you can let go now".  I imagined a white light wrapped around him like an embrace. That was when I got the call from my sister, saying my Dad had just passed on. Now whenever I see a dark grey cloud, with pink light around the edges, slowly covering a full moon, with only a sliver of moonlight showing at the bottom, I will always think of my Father knowing he is at peace now.

Talking with my older sister Karen, who had called me that Dad had passed on....and talking to my mother, both on the phone, trading the phone back and fourth to talk to me, we discussed a plan for me to come for a visit in the mid or late Spring. They both went out of their way to tell me they will pay for the plane fare "both ways", and pick me up when I arrive at LAX. I didn't want to burden them about my "food situation", or my not having enough money for plane fare, etc..  Since I get Oregon State Food stamps only, and not sure where I would stay while visiting there. I didn't know how to explain so they would understand and I felt kind of embarrassed about it. My Mom and sister both said  "no worries, you will stay with Mom,  so no worries about food, or where you'll stay and this is not a burden it is a "blessing".  Who would have thought that reaching out to one another during my Father's failing health and difficult times, (along with his passing on) in the last few months,  that it would actually bring a "healing connection" back with my Mother and older Sister down in the San Fernando Valley, in Los Angeles county?  I just hope I can handle the smog down there.  I'm told it's much better now because of the strict Environmental laws down there.

Right about now I feel like I'm somewhere between the Twilight Zone and the  Outer limits! I'm even hearing the "Do do do do do do, and the "there is nothing wrong with your tv, you do not need to adjust it, for you are now in the Outer Limits. I'm pretty spaced out, but it's a good kind of spaced out. I feel kind of "numb" but I know I am just going through a process of "change" and hopefully onward to a better and happier life.

Thank you for telling me you loved me two weeks ago Dad. And I got to tell you I loved you too. Your in the "Eternal light" now at peace.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

My Dad will be at peace soon

They have taken my Dad off the feeding tube and the ventilator. Now, it's just a matter of time.  I was able to talk to him on the phone, tell him I love him, he me, though I'm not sure if he understood, something tells me he did.  It was our last good-byes a week or so ago. My older sister has been keeping me updated. I was concerned for her she was trying to take care of it all every single day. So, finally she went "numb", I  told her she is in shock and her body is telling her to rest, as hard as that may be for her right now, she must.  My mother and I talk on the phone about every night. I've been doing the best I can from afar to give them all the support and info I can on Medicare business etc..  So now they have a social worker working with my older sister "Karen" and my mother. The social worker is helping reduce the load on my sister. 

My Dad made a living will a while back so all is being taken care of per his wishes. I am trying to keep my younger sister from making any more troubles during this sad time. She had kept calling them yelling at my mother and older sister telling them off. She is so selfish. So now her daughter is handling her. This is nothing new when it comes to my younger sister. I spent two years trying to help her to learn how to be an adult. Didn't work obviously.  We are abiding by my Dad, Mother and older sister's wishes to keep my younger sister from making this anymore heartbreaking than it already is.

May you be at peace in the "light" soon Dad. No more constant pain.