Sunday, September 22, 2013

Happy Autumn to all...

The Colors of Home 

I long for "Home"
Where it is I still do not know
so down the path I continue to roam
looking behind me but walking forward
facing the unknown
my soul calls out
looking for my roots
and the special place
I will call my "Home"..

Fall beckons me forward
even though
at times I look back
the colors of the autumn leaves
slowly reminding me
that change is pulling me
towards the future
and new voices
are calling to me
whispering in yellows
and oranges and reds
I now follow the path
towards the changing seasons
as they call to me
more clearly now.

*Written by Rhiannon (Barbara) Oct.3rd 2008* *Copyrights owned by Barbara R.*

Saturday, September 07, 2013

Then there were only two...

Well, I guess life can't get any more strange than it has in the last 7 months or so.  I had way too much high expectations and  "hope" of having a "connection" with my Mother and my older sister.  All of my "concerns" that I had addressed to both my Mother and my older sister after my Dad died "happened".  Along with my trying to plan on my trip down there to Southern California...well guess what? Turns out I'm not going, and probably never will. But hey who knows, there's always miracles right?

Within a few months of my Father's death, my conversations with my mother on the phone, slowly began to change. My older sister had almost immediately taken over "power of attorney" after my Father's death.  It was explained to me why. Which at first made sense to me. But then I began to see what was happening. Yes, my Mother and Father's house needed a lot of repair and even some remodeling, but then spending a lot of my mother's money on the whole deal, and it still continuing, I finally had the "aha moment" and it hit me like a ton of bricks!  My Mother and Father's house will be left to my older sister, (which I had already been told right after Dad passed away)  when my Mother passes. My older sister and her husband have their own home and it's all paid off.  As horrible as it is to even think, let alone write in here, I realize now that my mother's money (left to her by Dad)  was spent on completely remodeling the house.  All that's left to remodel is the bathroom. Nothing is the same.  Imagine how much that all cost? Well, I realized that  my Mother's money was being spent for all of this. And when my Mother's passes, the plan is to sell the house ASAP! Now that it is all completely redone and will sell for a much higher price and therefore my older sister and her husband will benefit greatly from all of this. Well done older sister! Your "priorities" are very clear to me now.  I asked you quite a few times, where all this money was coming from on remodeling the house. You responses to me, did not tell me the whole truth. Well I hope with everything in me, that my Mom lives for many years and gets to enjoy what she paid for.  It's only right. My mother is 87 but most women on my Mom's side of the family live into their mid or late 90's! Mom, I want you to enjoy your "new home" for a long long long time!

I know and understand that my mother realizes she is dependent on my sister now, since my Dad passed on.  My sister kept putting off my trip down there.  I kept trying to "tactfully" explain to her why I could only go down there a certain time frame of the year, due to being "in the system" here and having to always take care of a lot of paperwork and "reapplications" or "re-certifications" throughout the year.  I even e-mailed her detailed information on flights I could take in certain months and all the info on that, so she wouldn't have to stress about it.  It took a lot of my time, but I kept at it. hear..."It's not a good time this month, we're too busy remodeling the house, maybe next month".  Every month that passed, she started repeating this in her e-mails to me. Funny, she never seemed to want to talk to me on the phone, but I get why now.  I know she is very high strung and "controlling" but I think she knows that I am very "aware" and smart about things.  I have to be,  I'm a "survivor".  I pick up on things pretty quickly. I might start "asking her questions" which I did do, via e-mail. She did not answer my questions or concerns.  So, it was best to not talk to me on the phone, just stupid e-mails on and on. It has been good for my mother and I to talk on the phone on a regular basis.  However I noticed she started to say different things then "the plan of my visit down there" and I became stressed and confused.  As each month went by, I tried to explain to her some things, to see if she was "clear".  She seemed "clear headed" but started being in "denial".  That hurt me so much. So I'm in counseling now with a very good therapist.  She was concerned that I was being "led on" and that I had had too much of high expectations that my trip down there would actually happen.  Then I had to own up, that it didn't appear that it was going to all. 

So, as hard as it was to sit down and write and think about how I would "word" things to my Mother (on the phone) and to address "the issues", well, I  did it. And I did it tactfully, in a mature manner, yet honest, and expressed to her "why did things change from what you and my sister both kept tellling  me "not to worry" "over and over" that I had nothing to worry about, I would be coming down there "soon" and much more "promises".  I then told Mom, that I realize now that I had had too high expectations, that the family had "actually changed" when it appeared to not be so.  I was amazed that my Mom even heard me out and didn't hang up on me!  However she did not answer nor "explain" why things "had changed" to me.  She changed the subject and then I "knew" and it hurt me so much.  Talking with my counselor, I said "it's not going to happen and I am so stupid for even believing it would, I should have known better, my older sister is still the same "controlling person" she has always been and the family is still very dysfunctional".   I tried very "carefully and tactfully" to share with Mom that she had the "right" to speak up for herself to my older sister,  To share with my older sister, her "wants, needs, and how she feels about "things".  I actually was and still am trying to  "protect" my mother and keep reminding her that it is "her life"  and she has "rights".  If this is all I can do from here, than so be it.  I will continue to talk with my Mother on the phone, but not as much as I have been.  It's gotten to stressful and hurtful for me. And I also don't want to upset my mother about this.  I know that "she knows" what I meant.  She is a sharp cookie, but is for the first time in 60 some years living alone and so is very "vulnerable" to manipulation.  She does depend on my older sister and my sister's husband also.  I do understand that my mother needs them.  Of course she does.  But to my older sister I say to you "shame on you, shame shame shame on you for your utter controlling and selfish  behavior in taking advantage of our mother"!!  Our actions and our "in actions" show our true character. And you have shown your true character.  I do not see that you have changed much at all through the years.  I find this sad and feel sorry for you, for being and acting like this.  You got everything you wanted (and more) and may you be happy in your so called "Christian" behavior".  You call yourself a "Christian"?  Well, I don't see you acting like one at all. 

I had so hoped for all three of us to throw my Dad's ashes over  his favorite Rose bushes as my Dad had requested in his will. Also, all of my Father's dying wishes and what he also said in his living will...well none of those wishes will happen at all.  And Dad I am so so so sorry for this....and it makes me so sad, that not one, let alone "any" of your dying wishes will come true.  If I could I would make them all come true.  I am glad you are not on earth to see what's happening.  It would have broken your heart.  Your in a better place now, where you won't have to witness this.  I love you Dad and think of you so often.

Love, your daughter,