Sunday, March 28, 2010

The Circle Of Fire...

I'm hearing the sound
of the wind
carrying me away
to where I will be
across the borders
setting me free....

I was bound by chains
locked with a key
so lost
I couldn't be found
I hear the sound
of the door
being opened..
It creaks
like an echo
in my head
my life
my future
I so used to dread...
but now the moment
has become the time
now the moment
has become my rhyme..

Through the door
I walk in light...
protected by my guardians
in the night.....
within and without
beside me
behind me
in the circle of fire
I stand.

Copyrights owned By Rhiannon.........October 2005

*I wrote this poem, but the term "The Circle of Fire" is from an ancient Jewish proverb of the "Archeangels" who are Gabriel, Michael, Rapheal and Uriel in "The Circle of Fire". Kate Bush also sings about "The Circle of Fire" in her song "Lily" from her CD "The Red shoes". It's a very eerie provacative and "ahead of her time" song. I just love it! Check the song out sometime.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Musical Chairs....this starts the beginning of my older posts of poems and writings a few years back from my blog archives


Musical Chairs

We've pulled ourselves
into a closed
safe cocoon....
to protect us
from the danger
that some souls
may do..

We've shut
and locked
the gates
and threw away the key..

We've kept out of harms way
and lost the will
to dance
to sing
to play...

Is it musical chairs now?
Are we just sitting there?
Watching and waiting....
to see if others
will push
and grab
trying to take our place
if we move?

Are we stuck
in forever?
Because we never
even heard,
the music play
in the first place?

Fasten your seat belts
for it's going to be a bumpy ride

*Picture idea with text created by me

*Written by Rhiannon (Barbara) February 2006 *Copyrights owned by Rhiannon *(Barbara)

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

It's my Birthday on Thursday, March 11th....

Well, it's another year "wiser" or at least maybe "happier" that's for sure. March 11th is my Birthday (same day every year yep!) and it sure will be a much more different kind of Birthday than my last 11 Birthdays! My life has really gone through so many changes in this last year or so. Most of those changes have been good and Happy changes...with a lot going on and so much business to take care of and a lot of accomplishments I've made. It's not been easy but so far I'm making it through. I've met a lot of new people in the apartment complex where I live and have made a lot of new friends here. I haven't had many close friends for so long now that this is quite different for me. I've always been pretty much a loner (not always by choice) and so now I find myself with more friends than I can even handle! I know that's a funny thing to say, but it can be overwhelming for me. I have to go rest and have my space and "Quiet" time in between. But it sure is a nice and blessed feeling that the people around me here, actually care about me and do nice things and are so kind and caring...all of them disabled and struggling in their own lives also. We seem to have a "connection" of understanding of what it's like, not being the healthiest people around and living in utter poverty...yet because of these things we all seem to appreciate one another and the most important things in life. Like kindness, compassion, the beautiful days, the beautiful clouds, the trees blooming, the changes in seasons, taking nice walks, laughter, talking and sharing and caring. I feel like I belong here...for the first time in my life I seem to just fit right in....though we are all different here and have different stories to tell, we all know the fear and the feeling of trying to survive on our own for many years, without close families "there" for us. We are "wounded warriors" and we are "survivors". Everyone is pretty tolerant of one another...accepting our differences and actually even appreciating and learning from one another because of them. However in this town itself that is not the way it is! So I feel very blessed to be living here in this New York city type "enclosed" 3 story apartment complex, it's like our very own "little small town"...when people come to the apartment complex to visit to see you, they stand outside and "beep" your apartment "code" so your phone rings and you push a number and "buzz" them in...I love this! It's so cool and makes me feel pretty safe here also.

My sweetie here is a liberal democrat and a "one world" type person like me...many others here are not, yet finally I'm around people that accept me just as I am. It's nice to know I have a very close friend who loves and understands me because he is so much like's almost like he could be the male version of my twin!...our opinions and interest are so much the same...I don't think I've ever met anyone let alone a man where we can connect on so many levels. It used to scare me at first, but now I am really appreciating that we can share so much together. Yet, also he and I are very different in a few ways...which I think is good. He has his strengths and I have mine....they are very different. He seems to be proud of what I've done and who I am and also accepts me as I am. Getting through the "trust" issues is one day at a time for me and I know he knows that. I like his confidence within himself and that he takes such good care of himself, that he works out and loves to walk all the time. He is so strong he doesn't know his own strength. Got solid muscle mass because he has works out and walked so much through the years. I love that he is in touch with his feminine side also. Not only did he watch Pride and Prejudice with me upon one of our first get togethers...but afterwards he went out and bought his own DVD of it and has watched it quite a few times already! Now I am sharing all the Jane Austin movies with him and also the Bronte sisters books. Next is Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights. He absolutely loves this stuff! Wow! He paints beautiful Native American paintings with bright orange hues and deep deep blues and light blues...very vivid beautiful paintings of the land with the horses and animals and also the Native American Indians....he blends them in as "ghost spirits" into the nature. When he saw all the Native American Art that I like and all of the Native American spiritual ways that I love and my dream catchers and such..then he showed me all of the beautiful bow and arrows that he carved and made himself through the years. He used to have a shop where he sold them. We share all the books we have and have read. He has a regular library going on in his place! He, like me has traveled and lived in many different places throughout his life so we both have grown and learned a lot wherever we have been or lived...we both have experienced much....but we both don't have any children and we both are not close with our families...not necessarily by "choice"...we have been "loners" our whole lives. He shares with me about his travels riding on his big Harley bike through the country in the 70's. Yes, he used to be a "Biker" guy! Now he is a clean cut, smart and very creative artistic man...always has been an "artsy" kind of man. He loves decorating and so much more. He can cook! Now it looks like we might be "loners" together....that really is special to me. He is a gentlemen and I am a lady....but we are wild and crazy and sure laugh a lot all the time...together. He is also my best friend. I get scared sometimes it seems to "good to be true" ...and part of me wants to "run" because of things that have happened to me in the past...very bad things....but for now I feel so blessed and grateful to have a "life" now.....maybe he and I had to go through all we did for so long, being our own best friends and surviving on our own so that we could reach this point in meet one another..."now"...

So, this Birthday will be very special to me. I've a lot to be grateful for...which is the best "Gift" in the world...that anyone could ask for! For the first time I am not always "alone" and yet I know who I am and I know how to handle myself out in the world. And so does he. If I had not been on my own all these many years than I don't think I would have known and learned how to handle "life" out in this scary world of ours...facing fears constantly...walking through the fires of "life"....and so now I gladly receive the "Gift" of love and friendship.

Thank you all for being my dear blog friends. You are all so far away but always in my heart. I know many do the "Facebook" deal a lot now and I just won't do that as it drives me nuts to have "too many "Friends" and do that to myself....that world moves way "too fast" for my tastes. Instead, I will stick to my "ole blog" that is "me"...and even if not very many come to my blog much anymore I will still always be here...

Love and Blessings,


Saturday, March 06, 2010

Aborted Flight.....I just wrote this poem last night.

My first "real" relationship with the new "man" in my life since last October...well, we have a few ups and downs, but are learning and communicating well. The other day we had "words" wasn't real bad or anything just some of my fear, insecurities and hurt from the past (his too) among other things. I need to feel I can trust and that "he" will be there for's been a long long road on my own taking care of "everything" in my life with never any "backup" anyway I felt very sad in the thought that I might lose this very special man in my life. It's something I've never had in so many years...I felt so sad and as I stood in the kitchen last night, washing dishes, these words just came to my I was feeling.. too was one of my first "real" Rhi type poems in quite some time...the kind I like to write with lots of the words came together from my heart and mind, I quickly grabbed a notepad and wrote it all down in about two minutes or so. It really was a free flowing poem for real for expressed the feelings that were coming out of my heart and sad to maybe lose this new love I've found in my life. Anyway he and I talked late last night and worked things out and I cried a bit...and was vulnerable...not an easy thing for me to do. He was totally there for me and as I cried for "real" for more than a minute for the first time in a long long time...I'm used to stopping any tears that might come and "get on with it" and perservere and survive as usual...push myself beyond my limits as usual. But this time I "allowed" my tears to flow and did not hold them back. He didn't put down my tears as I cried, instead he held me and let me cry for about 10 felt good and I felt loved. This is not an easy thing for me to do. I've always been the "wounded warrior" fighting my battles with always no back almost scares me that maybe for the first time there is actually someone there for me who wants to be "my back up" and is here for me as I am for him. Wow!

This poem below is short and it's just what came to my mind when thinking of losing something I've not had or "felt" in so so long for so many years....a man that truely loves "me" who I am warts and all..imperfections and all. I actually read and showed the little poem to him last night...he liked it a lot and said "you should post this on your blog, as I think the poetry of words are coming back to you once again". So it's just a short simple poem....but to me expressed all I had felt upon writing it. I love the metaphors... I tend to see life that way...especially when writing poems. My older poems will be coming up in my next posts, but for now I actually found myself writing a new one.

"Aborted Flight"

Sadness envelops me
wrapped in layers
of my requested flight
out of here....
only for the darkness
to laugh up at me
and sneer
in this sunken airport
with no flights open
and too much baggage
to spare...

Written by Rhiannon (Barbara R.) March 5th, 2010