My mother called me the other day. Apparently while my mother had called my sister (as she does on a regular basis) she had asked my sister if she thought I would mind if she called me and asked her for my ph.#. My sister apparently gave my mother my phone #. Then my sister called me right away, to let me know, as she said she thought she should have asked me first. Alas, too late, for my mother had called me already.
It was so strange to pick up the phone and here my mother's voice after so many years of not hearing it. I didn't recognize her voice at all. She didn't sound older or bad or anything...her voice was just different than I remember. I was pretty scared and not knowing what to say to her to be honest with you. But after our first couple of sentences, it just seemed pretty much "okay"...I guess I let my spirit guide me and let go of the fear. She laughed and was "spunky"...we talked about my sister mostly...she said she had wanted to call and thank me for "being there" for my younger sister....especially knowing that my younger sister had done something so "bad" to me that was totally not appropriate or called for about 6 years ago when I also tried to help her at that time. My mother said "you have a good heart and I'm just so happy that finally at least two of my daughters are "connected" that it's all she ever hoped for, after all these years. then she said that she was proud of me. I think that was what I had needed to know more than anything, that I had their respect somehow, someway..it was so important to me as the "blacksheep daughter". I knew and understood what she meant without "getting into the details". She actually asked about me and how I was and I said a little bit about my situation but not much to her. We made small talk then. Our conversation only lasted about 10 minutes. Then suddenly she said "I want to hand the phone over to your Dad now, as I really think he needs this and so do you"....as she said that I totally panicked and I said "no, no mom, please I don't want to do that I can't"!!!..."hello mom, do you hear me are you there"?!!....but she had not heard me as she was in the process of bringing the phone to my father...at least I don't think she heard me!..who knows? If she did hear me she would have heard me very upset and frightened saying "no please no I can't talk to him"!!!!...and my also remembering the last and only time he had talked to me on the phone (out of nowhere after all these years!) was about 4 years ago when he had called me up out of nowhere and yelled and screamed at me (when I had hit rock bottom as hard as I had tried not to) and he told me I was "no good for nothing" a "failure"...you see that time he had called me apparently he had found out from someone that knew me, that I had hit rock bottom and was on the way to maybe even becoming homeless and on the streets....as my health issues and financial situation had worsened. I know now that person had called my mother and father when I had asked them not to. I knew then and I still know now it was more about my Dad feeling shame and guilt, that though I had tried with everything in me I was losing everything and getting more serious with my health issues without any help, without any back up of anyone there for me, no one at all and no health insurance all those years. He could not handle knowing that so he did what my family has always done. Take it out on the person suffering in order to remove their shame and uncomfortableness knowing I was "out here alone" and trying to survive. However my mother had always stayed connected by phone and letters and "money" for my younger sister...she was my mother's youngest so she got more special treatment...and hey I had always understood this...but my sister had screwed up her life so bad and always was getting herself into so much trouble, along with her being an addict. They were always "bailing" her out of situations. I, on the other hand was trying with everything in me to hold my head up high and keep my integrity. I was never an addict and I did not go down that "bad road" my younger sister had...but I had always felt that I was being "punished" for being a decent person who had at least tried to always do what I thought was right....and my sister was always being "rewarded through all these years" for screwing up and having such bad judgment and lack of common sense. Though I do realize that addictions are usually heriditary and that she did inherit this illness from my Fathers side of the family. So, I know I should feel blessed that somehow that serious health issue did not affect me or my body. Instead I inherited another serious medical issue from my mothers side of the family. Isn't it ironic? You bet!
So....sigh...sorry this is even hard to write...brings back "stuff"....but it is a bit freeing. All of a sudden there was my Dad on the phone and he tried to start the conversation out with humor...which actually did help me somewhat. So, once again I let my spirit guide me and was just "myself" and not "the actress" with him. I did not "go there" about my "wound" with him...but we did talk about my life a bit and what it entailed. I was not real serious about it...just stated the facts. Also about my sister, that so far since she arrived here in town and I guided her and held her hand and got her help and housing through HUD and taking her everywhere (she has no car but is now taking the bus a lot more and is getting financial help with this through medicaid) to fill out paperwork and get medical help through medicaid and the county resources here, etc...food stamps, etc...talking with people for her while she was with me...I told Dad that I had no regrets, that I know what it's like to have no one there and no "back up" and so I would not want my sister to go through that, as I had. He then said "you know your ole' man is very proud of you and loves you don't you"? I didn't know what to say...I was silent...he then said that he and Mom wanted to thank me for being there for my sister, that they knew it "wasn't easy" and how much they are sure it stress's my life out trying to "juggle" so much in my own life along with being there for my sister. It has been very hard energy wise I must admit. I get exhausted a lot more. I then said "thank you Dad that means a lot to me, your saying that". Again the conversation was short about 10 minutes just like with my mother. Someone knocked at my door and I knew I was feeling pretty overwhelmed and actually more "stunned" and my feelings needed to be processed and that I had to say "I have to go now someone is at my door"...I knew it was the only way Dad and I were going to be able to end the conversation and so it worked out okay that way. He said "Okay take care of yourself and say hi to your kitty for me"...I said "okay bye Dad".
I know...some of you might be harsh with me in your thoughts or comments here....as I did not tell either of them I loved them back...I am still processing all of this...them phoning me and what was said and what "wasn't" said...I feel confused and wrote this down in my journal I always keep by the side of my bed. I wrote "Oct.21st, 2010, my mother called me and I also ended up talking to my dad too...scary..will write more later"....
I must say that there are so many changes going on in my life now...most of them good...a few not so good and rather scary...but this is not new for me in handling the "fear" and facing the "fires" over and over and somehow handling it and getting through it. My sister and I are getting along better..she is getting the help she has needed for years and I am making sure that continues. She is on some good "non addictive" meds now that are really helping her get her act together...she is so different than me, afraid to be alone, not really knowing who she really is as her own person when by herself she is not "comfortable" with "herself". When she calls me and says "I am so bored this place is dead around here, I don't know what to do". I try to get her to think what she could do on her own, read, play some music, create something, she loves krafts, or just maybe for the first time in her life "sit in silence" and "face" the things in life that have happened to her....she just laughs at me not getting it. But I can see now great improvement in her, less fear of being alone, taking better care of herself and getting some good therapy. I think maybe for the first time in a long long time, she is getting to know herself! She had to go to the emergency hospital for something about two months ago and she was lucky as a social worker was there and helped to assign her to have a regular G.P. Dr. that would be her Dr.. She was so lucky with that as there are so many waiting lists for most Drs. here in this area! Now that Dr. is my Dr. also because the last one I saw was a man who said very stupid disrespectful things to me and so with medicaid you have to wait over 6 months to find another Dr. that is "on the list" because there are some drug addicts that go from Dr. to Dr. in order to get their "drugs" so the non drug addicts on Medicaid have to follow the same rules...because of that I had been waiting and needing to see and have a medical Dr.. After a few appointments with this woman Dr. my sister said "I feel comfortable with her"...so I asked my sister to ask her Dr. if she would be comfortable or "not comfortable" having another family member be her patient too. As the time frame of waiting 6 months was almost over for me.....I had asked my sister when she saw her Dr. to ask her "face to face" in person if she would be okay with this or not"...and her Dr. asked if I was the sister that had been helping her that my sister had mentioned to her a few times...and my sister said "yes, she is the one that has been there for me through all this"....and my sister called me and told me "Dr. H. said she would be more than happy to meet you and have you for a patient, just call and they will set you up with an appointment in a few weeks"...so I had my first appointment with her and I like her. As I walked into the office all these people that worked there said "you are somebody's sister that comes here aren't you"?...I laughed and said my sister's name and I said "I'm the brunette and she is the blonde"....it was quite funny. I like Dr. H. she is a younger woman in her mid 30's I'd say and knows some of my history. She also got me a referral to see the specialist I was told I needed to see, about my damaged right foot and left hand from my bad fall about a year and a half ago. I never got the help I needed with that and her and I talked about that. So, my G.P. Dr. is about 4 blocks up the street (from my apartment) at the main hospital clinic and the specialist I will be seeing soon, well, his medical group building is right behind my apartment complex parking lot!....how about that? Tired of driving way over the other side of town for appointments. Thank you higher power and my guardian angels for this miracle and "gift". I hope the specialist can MRI my foot and see what tendons and muscles, etc. are involved and the damage and if I can still get some kind of physical therapy for it. I am very grateful I make myself walk almost every day when I can...to try to keep my foot from being "weak"...and hopefully I will have a good specialist who will tell me what we can do and how it and the pain might get better.
8 People have died in the last 6 months here at the apartment complex...people I knew...it has been hard for me...this used to be a retirement home before HUD took over 3 years ago..and so people tell me "these things are bound to happen here for a while "B" and we will all get through the grief. The last person who just passed on, a woman, who I watched go outside throughout the whole day, day after day after day, smoking herself to death..I hate saying this but I kept thinking to myself "she is killing herself why would she do this?....she is so thin already and I watched her slowly "fade"...lung cancer...she said "no chemo" as the Drs. said it was too late and they had told her if she had just tried to stop smoking for a while in the past, that they could have saved her and helped her"....so it was her choice to continue...there are quite a few people with chronic and serious health problems here that just smoke and smoke and smoke "outside" and also some "sneak" and smoke in their apartments though HUD says "no smoking in the apartments ever at all"...they kick the ones that come through HUD to live here out if they smoke inside..but not the people that have lived ihere since it was a retirement home for so many years...why? Because the manager and her assistant are smokers and they just won't let their "old friends and buds" that smoke in their apartments get kicked out, so we all complain here and even call and write HUD, but the conniving manager here somehow always just makes up stories and lies for these people that smoke inside and says that those of us that are complaining about it are "lying"...tell me how could so many people lie at once? But the manager never lies???!...we feel at a loss of any power or protection in this regard to the smokers...their rights are more important than ours I guess, even though they are breaking the law...people are too afraid and intimidated now to say anything..you can smell it down some hallways so strong...yuck! So here you have non smokers reporting whats going on and no one does anything about it...some of us are getting more sick from it getting in our apartments...luckily so far I have lucked out with no one living around me being a smoker...hope that continues. But new people move in so you negver know who your neighbor will be. Living in apartments through HUD takes away some of your freedoms. I miss being able to rent a house. Though it was much more physical work for me I had freedom to breathe and there were not "inspections" by HUD of my home all the time! They have a new law that HUD says "no smoking not even in the parking lot, you have to go past the parking lot and away from the apartments on a public sidewalk" if you smoke...as of Sept. 1st, 2010...but you know what? It's not happening here, and people just keep smoking right outside the doors and the parking lot. I walk way around them as cig smoke really hurts my lungs and throat...and when I do this the smokers make faces and say nasty words to me...I do not respond or say a thing. Rather childish of them just because I am trying to avoid their smoke so I won't have pain in my lungs for 24 hrs! My sister lives in a HUD apartment complex also. When I go over there to pick her up or whatever they are all out there far far away from the apartment complex and away from the parking lot. They all got the letter notices there about the new rules last month and they are following it...but somehow the letter notices never got here in my apartment complex??...hmm..and things just continue on. The manager here is always saying "I don't smell anything" when she goes down a hallway where the smoke smell is reported by us...of course she doesn't...she smokes! Duh! Plus they are her "buds" smoking in their apartments. The beautiful outside entrance of this wonderful complex, well the smokers go a few feet from the sliding "security" glass doors and have patio chairs they sit on out there with 3 or 4 coffee cans and they smoke and then put them out in the "full" coffee cans....I just cannot understand why and "how" they get away with this after all our reports. Nothing is being done about it and this is a very large complex...I worry about a fire starting with people that are weak with their health issues and afraid they will fall asleep with a cigarette in their hand and it will drop in their apartment and burn the whole place down! We all have addressed this issue and concern with HUD and they do nothing about it here where we live. I call the management here "the little Mafia" and my friends laugh and say "you are so right that's exactly what is going on here"! Yet I love it here because of all my dear friendships with so many people here...it's like our own little small community town. We all give one another a lot of moral support here but many are so afraid of management here and feel so intimidated. Management doesn't like me at all and try to intimidate me at any issue I try to take care of that involves my life and affects my life..or to try to "explain" the mistakes done on paperwork done by management here..tired of correcting them and I don't want to tell them anymore, so now I just write a letter to the woman manager here and stick it in the "inbox" to her and she seems to handle this and take care of it that way..can't try and talk with her about any of this...no way...she doesn't like the feeling that she might have made a mistake or that you go above her head. I am sorry but I do try and pray to higher power and the angels to "guide" this woman out of here and onto another "path" so we can get a new "non smoking" manager who doesn't have to go outside all day long to smoke so she's rarely there when you need her or the assistant manager..enough said...renting sucks I've been through what they call "slum landlords" (usually male) through the years and somehow they always managed to figure out after a time, that I was not going to be a wimp and not say anything when something needed to be repaired or they threatened to kick me out whenever I would ask them to repair something. I stood up for myself but never mean or angry like them. Now here being connected with HUD because I am living in poverty (as many are here in this United States of America) it's a whole other ballpark...Intimidation works well when you are poor and don't feel like you have much power and they have "more power" over you. Yep, that's my America and how I live in it now. But I still have my common sense and my integrity...though a lot of good it does me as a single woman around here.
Anyway in general life changes on a regular basis here for me..my sister is meeting new people and friend and I am meeting them and she my friends and so now there is kind of a "full circle of friends"..
Okay, this is long and I am tired...it's a cool windy and rainy day and my chimes hanging near my window are making beautiful melodic sounds..
Oh, and my "ex BF" and I walk by one another from time to time now and I finally am able to just say "hello" or "hi" very casually in response to his "Hi B" to me he says now every time he runs into me...other things have happened kind of weird with him....but I've no expectations whatsoever...it is his Birthday the day before Halloween and I have good memories of my having a huge pumpkin looking cupcake, putting a candle on it and singing "Happy Birthday to you" song and making a nice dinner for him....it's a good memory of that day around this time last year..
Well that's the latest update my dear Blog friends...life goes on somehow..and we must always have hope and keep "changing" and trying to make change..because if we don't then nothing does ever change does it?....and we stay stuck in the past with the same ole same ole...
And vote your conscience not on your fear and anger come November. If we can just do that then we can "change" and catch up with the other countries...it's about time to progress and not to keep on "degressing"...is that even a word? I don't know but I'm sure you know what I mean.