Thursday, February 09, 2006

No one speaks about the monsters....


I made this soul collage late last night to express my "confronting the Monster" within and without.
I faced the "Monster" yesterday, I faced my fear. I always thought the only way I would
ever release this wound was when I was standing at her gravestone, where she wouldn't
"know" or "hear how I felt. Or that I would be carrying the "Monster" around with
me to my own grave. I didn't get to do it in person but I did get to share it with you
"Mother", how I've felt all these years. And I said it in only a few sentences. I faced
the monster "within" my "fear" and I faced the monster on the "outside". I know you
read it because you responded back and of course not in a kind way, but in your cruel way,
but that was to be expected and then accepted. I always understood this. There will be no reunion, it
will never happen, at least not in this lifetime.. I know you don't love me and never did.
"I've never felt loved or nurtured by you as a child and I never felt loved, cared about or
accepted by you as your child, for the person that I am, and now as an adult grown up woman.
All I ever knew and felt by you was cruelty, physically, mentally and emotionally abused
and tortured by you, my own mother who never should have bore children. Your hate filled
bigotry, prejudice and false judgments of others. You live in a narrow shallow sick world of denial"

Yes, I did it and you know how I feel now. I wasn't mean about it or cruel like you but I stated my "pain".
Your "God fearing" born again radical (to the point of madness)religion, your need to
torture your own child, to try to destroy her soul and spirit, but you never succeeded. The
Black sheep that spoke the "Truth", and walked away from the sickness and total dysfunction.
I've been told that most of the children that when grown up have been called the "Black sheeps"
of the family, usaully are the ones that open the door and speak the "truth" of the "secrets"
and come out of the closet. Sometimes they are punished for life for this, but I am not anymore
I said "no more". My deep wound has seemed forever, but now maybe it won't
bleed so much any more. Now it will slowly mend with the scars to remind me of the warrior
spirit within me and that I "faced the monster and I faced the fear" of any consequences that
would come from it. Yes, just a few sentences and finally I got to say it and it was acknowleged.
I survived it and I am a survivor!...and when I fell asleep I slept like a peaceful baby. Oh I know
there will still be tough times ahead this won't "fix" everything but wow, I sure do feel like
I got that monkey off my back, and that burden I carried around..that horrrible monster
was confronted!..I'm breathing a deep sigh of relief now...for you my own "inner childe"
I did it for you and I did it for me the grown up woman...together we will heal, together
we are lifting and opening our wings free again in flight..don't cry wipe those tears away now...
you are loved.....

This song by Aimee Mann (Til Tuesday) came to my mind as I write this post. I used
the word "she" instead of "he" since I have always related this song to my mother.


"I try so hard not to get upset, because I know all the trouble I'll get
Oh she tells me tears are something to hide and something to fear
and I try so hard to keep it inside, so no one can hear
Hush hush darling, she might overhear oh, no voices carry
She said shut up she said shut up, oh God can't you keep it down,
voices carry...I wish she would let me talk"

15 comments:

Kerry said...

your inner child... *wipes away many tears* i am so happy for you. yes, rhi, you are loved!

the courage...

wow. your inner child is free now. there is no better place to be. i know the courage it took to reach the point of speaking freely.

your inner child has endured, my dreamweaver. now the peace and wonder of life will appear and resurface again.

i am so proud of you rhi! so very proud...

your friend, *wiping away many tears of joy for you*

kerry

ardi k said...

healing in the light
be well
xo
-a

sister celtic said...

WHOA I HAVE TO COME BACK TOMARROW TO REALLY COMMENT WHOA HEAVY AND GOOD I'M DEALING WITH FAM STUFF RIGHT NOW AND IT'S NOT EASY.. LOVE TO YOU AND I'LL CHECK IN TOMARROW CUZ THIS IS GOOD STUFF..HUGS

sister celtic said...

OH MY GOD RHI I AM LIKE YOU...MY GOD THATS UNREAL WHAT YOU WROTE AND I FOR ONE GET IT AND APPRECIATE IT..BLOWN AWAY

Carolyn said...

Good for you! I'm glad you are feeling better-- you and your inner child. It's a painful process I know, but you survived and are on your way, dear lady! :)

javajazz said...

many many congratulations Rhiannon!
what you have accomplished is awe inspiring.
to speak your truth in the face of your mothers blindness is a major breakthrough and shall change
the course of your emotional and spiritually history! and you help others when you show such immense courage to take such steps and free yourself! yes! you did it yourself Rhiannon! you should be VERY proud of yourself...!
yes, the Black Sheep are everywhere you know! we're here to speak the truth, to pull off the veils of illusion. that's why they need to call us Black Sheep, to make us the bad guys. it helps draw attention away from the Truth which they need to disguise at all costs. all your fellow Black Sheep are spiritual warriors. let us celebrate! what you have expressed so bravely and openly and truthfully has not only helped blast through your own blocks, it has helped the world...your path is yours alone to travel, as is your mothers her own. what you have had the courage to speak will help you on your path. it doesn't really matter how your mother receives it, what is most important about this is that you have faced your fear and spoken your truth and freed yourself...! take a bow, ma'am! you rule!

(ps i wrote you back a rather lengthy lisa-style response on my blog several weeks ago...i just wanted to let you know in case you hadn't seen it!)

thank you for giving me courage to face my own demons...that is truly magic, and an immense gift, for which i am most grateful...! xo lisa

azure said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
azure said...

i cant even come close to understanding how tough it must have been for u to face ur "monster",but i can say one thing that facing ur fears is the only way to get rid of them.now that u have experienced it,i think u must be agreeing with me.

"courage is not the absence of fear,
it's the judgement that something else is more important than fear"

this is a saying which i heard in the movie"princess diaries" n it has stayed with me since then.

i wish u good luck n hope that u recover from ur wounds quickly :-)

J. Andrew Lockhart said...

wow!

Carolyn said...

Hi Rhia,
Just checking to see if this comment takes. The ones I made yesterday came back to my inbox as undeliverable, but I see they are here.

Anyway, this is a test... Have a great day :)

Imran said...

Wow! I admire you. Congratulations! Wow!

radar said...

Ouch!

One thing that drives me nuts is that there are many who take "religion" and use it as a cudgel to beat and control their children. Sometimes it is out of fear for the children and sometimes it is out of fear for themselves. It is always awful and sometimes tragic.

It wasn't God who felt that way about you nor He who treated you that way. But because of your mother that is not easy for you to hear and perhaps you don't want to hear it.

In any event, cheers to you and may you continually find yourself being healed from wounds of the past and growing stronger and stronger along the way!!

Caraf said...

that was simply beautiful rhiannon... being angry with your mother, no matter what, is like being angry with your own self.

i recently had to distance myself from my mom just to live my life peacefully and it hurt a lot.

one day i was telling my friend that according to my birth horoscope I have a very strong bond with my mother, and its strange how i have repeatedly chosen a different path from the one she'd have me choose. And my friend replied, the astrology probably means you have a strong bond with THE mother.

It gave me a lot of peace....

Rhiannon said...

Caraf "THE Mother"! I understand just what you mean. Thanks for coming by again I will be back soon.

Blesesings,
Rhi

Jason Oliver said...

I did a lyric search but this might interest you. The ORIGINAL version of "Voices Carry" by 'til tuesday sung by Aimee Mann - (She Said)Voices Carry
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5CI4rBzIsA