Thursday, February 09, 2006
No one speaks about the monsters....
I made this soul collage late last night to express my "confronting the Monster" within and without.
I faced the "Monster" yesterday, I faced my fear. I always thought the only way I would
ever release this wound was when I was standing at her gravestone, where she wouldn't
"know" or "hear how I felt. Or that I would be carrying the "Monster" around with
me to my own grave. I didn't get to do it in person but I did get to share it with you
"Mother", how I've felt all these years. And I said it in only a few sentences. I faced
the monster "within" my "fear" and I faced the monster on the "outside". I know you
read it because you responded back and of course not in a kind way, but in your cruel way,
but that was to be expected and then accepted. I always understood this. There will be no reunion, it
will never happen, at least not in this lifetime.. I know you don't love me and never did.
"I've never felt loved or nurtured by you as a child and I never felt loved, cared about or
accepted by you as your child, for the person that I am, and now as an adult grown up woman.
All I ever knew and felt by you was cruelty, physically, mentally and emotionally abused
and tortured by you, my own mother who never should have bore children. Your hate filled
bigotry, prejudice and false judgments of others. You live in a narrow shallow sick world of denial"
Yes, I did it and you know how I feel now. I wasn't mean about it or cruel like you but I stated my "pain".
Your "God fearing" born again radical (to the point of madness)religion, your need to
torture your own child, to try to destroy her soul and spirit, but you never succeeded. The
Black sheep that spoke the "Truth", and walked away from the sickness and total dysfunction.
I've been told that most of the children that when grown up have been called the "Black sheeps"
of the family, usaully are the ones that open the door and speak the "truth" of the "secrets"
and come out of the closet. Sometimes they are punished for life for this, but I am not anymore
I said "no more". My deep wound has seemed forever, but now maybe it won't
bleed so much any more. Now it will slowly mend with the scars to remind me of the warrior
spirit within me and that I "faced the monster and I faced the fear" of any consequences that
would come from it. Yes, just a few sentences and finally I got to say it and it was acknowleged.
I survived it and I am a survivor!...and when I fell asleep I slept like a peaceful baby. Oh I know
there will still be tough times ahead this won't "fix" everything but wow, I sure do feel like
I got that monkey off my back, and that burden I carried around..that horrrible monster
was confronted!..I'm breathing a deep sigh of relief now...for you my own "inner childe"
I did it for you and I did it for me the grown up woman...together we will heal, together
we are lifting and opening our wings free again in flight..don't cry wipe those tears away now...
you are loved.....
This song by Aimee Mann (Til Tuesday) came to my mind as I write this post. I used
the word "she" instead of "he" since I have always related this song to my mother.
"I try so hard not to get upset, because I know all the trouble I'll get
Oh she tells me tears are something to hide and something to fear
and I try so hard to keep it inside, so no one can hear
Hush hush darling, she might overhear oh, no voices carry
She said shut up she said shut up, oh God can't you keep it down,
voices carry...I wish she would let me talk"