Got my own place to live!....and Enigma..."Return to Innocence" video

Hi all....Hope you enjoy the video below....it's one of my favorite songs by Enigma. The video is well done with beautiful pics of wild life animals and nature.

I just got finished signing the last of the "finalized" paperwork for my new apartment! Yes, I move in towards the end of March or beginning of April! After more than two years of not having my own place to live this is such a blessing and such a gift...but I know in my heart that my constant discipline of learning to be patient, trying not to give up (which was so darn hard) and my perseverence paid off, along with knowing that spiritually I was being watched over in light.

March has always been my favorite month of the year, for I always love all the different aspects of weather through this month...it's kind of like getting all the seasons of the year through the month.....snow, rain, dark clouds, puffy white clouds, storms, sun, wind, cold. warmth. I love it! But every March throughout my life it also seems that I get these miracles, gifts, and "dreams come true" that happen. Well, it will be my Birthday soon (March 11th) and my wish of getting a place to live for my Birthday has come true!...the best gift I could ever receive.

I will be doing a lot within the next month of organizing my move and since I've no furniture, I will be going to good will, target and wall mart stores to look for a few things that I hope to find and able to afford. It's a strange feeling of "starting fresh" no matter how little I have...through all this one of the main things I've learned is that "things" are just that "materialistic things" and they are not what I value in life...I'm happy with just what I need in order to live....."A simple life". So, this is one of the main things I have learned...something for all of us to think about, "our possessions"....is that what makes us happy? I think that's a good question and some food for thought.

See you soon after my move.

Love and Blessings to all of you..and thank you so much for all your kindness and friendships.

Rhi

I'm going to be off blogger for a bit...public housing called me today!

Dear dear sweet understanding, kind fellow bloggers. I got a call today from the public housing authority...finally after almost 2 years and a half of waiting! I got at the top of the list!..."But"..there's a catch..they apparently have a "few openings" for apartment housing and they have a few people they are trying to decide who to "pick"and decide on...I had no clue they did it this way I"m at the top of the list but I guess well there is more "paperwork" and "red tape" for me to go through. I must fill out forms and give them more info about "me" and my health issues, etc..I always wondered why the housing people did not have all this in the paperwork forms in the first place when I first applied! Anyway I have much info and am happy to show them and fill out all the info... someone will drive me to the public housing authority tomorrow to pick up those papers to fill out the forms they want more info on and start getting Drs, letters and copies of things and all the "red tape crap' they want..been there done that...over and over...this is called "the system" and the ones disabled and needing help and no place to live are the ones that do all of the foot work and "paperwork"...okay dokey! Except of course if you have family members that can help you out with doing all this stuff..which around here a lot of people do have family members help them to take care of all this red tape paperwork...but I've been doing it on my own for a long long long time now..

Hope to get all the info they need ASAP and then turn it all in and wait for the best and to accept that if I am not picked at this moment in time than maybe someone else worse off than me will be picked...and if they don't have a family and are completely alone like me, with serious health issues than I will accept this...and understand. But waiting almost 2 years has "NOT" been easy...and I'm just so burned out not having my own place to live and having to help the people I live with out so much and do so much work it's wearing me down...want my own bathroom...want my own kitchen so I can go in there and cook myself a healthy meal instead of what I've been having to go through for over a year now...help everyone else...second class citizen am I...this family I live with is sure going to miss me when I'm gone!....only then will they realize how much I've been doing for all of them..yet I must say they have been good to me letting me stay here and I know I will leave here with my integrity and dignity intact..

I will hopefully have "Sancturary" soon and when I get settled and have my own place I shall sleep when I want, rest up, take a bath...have "Privacy" finally!!! oh god I so miss having a bath(can only shower here every few days and must wait for everyone else to do their shower first..and I must always rush and hurry about it)..sigh... ..it's always been so relaxing for me to have a nice relaxing bath.....haven't had one in over a year!...soon now (I hope) my time will be "my Own" not someone else's...it's about time..I've been feeling so "trapped"..I need my freedom my independence back...I cannot take care of and babysit people any longer..got to take care of myself..so I can find myself my creativity my writing, get it all slowly back once again..losing the most important part of yourself that keeps you going..you can never imagine what that feels like unless you've gone through it....

So, I've got so much on my plate now, so I won't be blogging for a bit...wish me luck and think good thoughts of me that I will "Finally" have a little place to "Call my own" finally after 2 years or so of losing myself "in the red tape" of this backwards crazy system of ours in this country.

I could not stay at the homeless shelters (though I tried) because of the drug addicts, prostitutes and smokers and violent people that seem to stay there a lot...they sneak in knives and guns and drugs....it's very scary and very dangerous...I thought if I had not been able to live with these people at their house I would have chosen to live in my car rather than a shelter....I would be more safe in my car than a shelter.

Blessings to all of you and I will be back to blogging when I can...love you all.

Rhiannon

Running up that Hill video song by Kate Bush

This song and video is my very favorite of Kate Bush's. They rarely showed this video in the 80's on MTV other than very very late at night. So I would stay up late to see it then taped it. Kate is so talented always ahead of her time I thought. She's never been very popular in the U.S. not sure why. She produces her own musical works...she writes the lyrics, the music, plays piano, other instruments and as you can see is great at ballet and modern dance...very unique and lovely video...and beautiful song indeed..."Let's exchange the experience"...:o)...one of her lines from this song. I hope you enjoy the video theme, song and lovely artistic dancing.

Happy Valentines Day to All...

This poem below is dedicated to all my blog friends...a poem I wrote from my blog archive. I hope you all have a lovely Valentines day.

As for me Valentines Day has always been a very difficult day each year for me. Special memories through the many years with my former soulmate...Valentines day being his Birthday, our first date, the day he had proposed to me...and plus Valentines Day!..all rolled into one...Try as I might, those wonderful memories through those years of our very special "Day" brings tears to my heart. Those memories will always be with me, much as I've tried to delete them from my memory...I am unable to...along with the bad memories of what happened towards the last year of our marriage...it was kind of like one of those women "Liftetime" TV movies...if you know what I mean? I felt as if I was in some kind of a bizarre nightmare, a bad dream. He turned into a different person a different man..he was no longer who I knew him to be. He was cruel, hurtful and it devastated my heart...during that time...at least those cruel memories of what he and his new girlfriend did to me "on purpose" for whatever sick vindictive reason they may have had during that time..well at least those memories are not fresh in my mind and heart. Times like these special days, you wish you could have a "delete" button to erase the wonderful and the cruel memories from your heart and mind forever.

But then again all of the lessons and what had happened and has happened to me since those many years ago have taught me much about myself. I am a dedicated, loving, trustworthy woman..and always will be...regardless of what others think of me...or mock me for being faithful and true to my heart...I shall always remain with my integrity, dignity and who I am in my soul, still intact.. I know I am a survivor!. But I'd like more in life than just that. I know I deserve better. But still scared as h** to be able to trust and be vulnerable with someone...without them taking advantage or the time to get to know and accept "me" as I will or " would" them. I know that "special someone" will need to be very patient and understanding with me..I've got a long road to go...but the path looks a bit clearer now. And if it never happens, I know who I am and that somehow I will be just fine on my own...as I have been for the last 11 years...with a few relationships here and there in between and an engagement 7 years ago that failed because it just wasn't meant "to be".

I know my heart can open...but only when I know it can and not have it ripped up in the process. I hope you enjoy the romantic poem. I'm a Pisces and a Chinese astrology Rabbit...with Leo rising!...so that pretty much says it all!...:o)

Angelic Blessings,

Rhiannon


Velvet Petals


Two souls mending
and blending
on a path of roses
scattered along
the beds of dawn...
Blending in essence
of hearts opening..
Petals softly fall
delicately touching the ground...
Dewdrop,
a soul with a tear
glistening on velvet....

*Copyrights owned by Rhiannon (Barbara) November 2005*

Another beautiful Loreena Mckennitt song...Beneath a Phrygian Sky

Who's controlling who?

Something to ponder......

Captivity.....another poem I wrote from my archives

Captivity

In the distance
I hear an echoing
of cries
almost animalistic
in it's language...

I search through the dark wooded path
looking towards a bright beaming light
it crackles and spits out sparks
that seem to rise above
like glistening stars
looking down on midnite
reminding me
of the mystical ancient times long ago
that never held us captive
but in an essence of rapture
that was captivating
and enlightening all souls...

Written March 2006 by Rhiannon (Barbara) Copyrights owned by me..

About my post below this one...

I wrote this "story poem" "Cinderella of the Underworld" in the post below a few years ago and had posted it in my blog during that time. Recently quite a few people have gone to this older post and read it and made some very thoughtful and nice comments about it. I even think I might have helped some people along the way with this little "true story" of mine.

I remember when I wrote this how easy it came and how it just seemed to "flow" out of me...took me about 20 minutes or less. I had just finally after years of denial come to the conclusion that my father who I always used to defend had not protected me as a father should have...from my mother. Though an alcoholic and abusive also I always used to feel that my father understood me best and at least we would have talks that were intelligent and real and often "emotional"...something I never ever ever received from my mother nor my two sisters...feelings, emotions and "being real" were not "allowed"...odd how I came out of this dysfunctional family being the one that was always able to "feel" and to express those feelings also. I often wondered why I was so different as a child and adult than the rest of the family. How come I didn't turn out like them or act like them? How come I didn't become just another fundamental baptist christian with all the dogma hate and anger like them? How come I was the black sheep who broke the cycle? And how come they have never really cared about let alone loved me or even cared if I lived or died? And how come I never became an addict? It runs in the family.......I was so blessed for this one thing to not have been a part of my life...addiction....and yet I was surrounded by it...even in the 15 years I had been married...the second time around no less.

Well, answers to these questions can never be answered really..it's more about trying to heal as time goes on even if your life become more and more difficult and with situations that you must always handle and "take care of" with no"back up" whatsoever...no family that you know you can turn too..no family that you know will ever be there for you....because they never were there for you in the first place since you were born..it's not easy..but writing about it as time went along sure has helped me.

Reading a post recently from Yoga for Cynics (check my blog link and you will find his blog) I read something he had written. I hope he won't mind if I quote him a bit here.

"If your family doesn't like you for who you are and they think you should be more like "them", and they treat you like you'll nevr live up to their standards...then you better take it as a compliment and consider yourself lucky that their limitations will never be yours, that you'll never need their approval". Thank you very much yoga for cynics...for when I read what you wrote, it helped heal some more of those old wounds. It's almost like being acknowledged...

About two days after I wrote Cinderella of the Underworld I rented the movie "Ever after" with Drew Barrymore...it was kind of a remake of the original Cinderella story. As I watched it, it suddenly hit me that my childhood and some of my adulthood also was very much like the Cinderella story! Only my father was alive...and my two sisters are not my stepsisters but my real sisters. I found it so ironic that I had just written "my Cinderella story" a few days before I had seen this movie!

My mother was very much like Cinderella's stepmother only a bit worse in the abusive ways..you can't even begin to imagine...there was never ever any maternal love or caring for her daughter...at least not this one...it was more like we the children were always taking care of the adults and all their "adult" problems..we were a pain to them...and they shared this with us almost daily what a burden we were to them...just in general and financially too..my mother had shared with me many times how she wished I had never been born.

My father tried but years ago it had finally come up, out of the blue, and the words came flowing out of my mouth out of nowhere "my father never protected me from my mother".."not only that he was not a good nor strong father and he abused me also and his drinking and alcoholism made him incredibly cruel through the years"..and "we were their little slaves"...I looked up at my therapist at that time when I said that and she looked at me "knowingly"...I could see that she already knew this long ago and was just waiting for when the realization would come to me....she knew it would she had said..and then we talked about if for about a year on and off.

Things changed for me more once I admitted about my fathers huge weakeness...knowing what my mother was doing to me and how she was beating me and treating me all those years...but he did not have the courage to stand up and speak and to tell her to stop...years and years and years of never doing anything or "saying" anything about it....my sisters were similar in their "nonactions" and the way they treated me putting me down and trashing me all the time...that I was "making trouble" by speaking up for myself..and my "co called rebellion"...so I better just "stop it".."or else"...I walked out in the middle of those "hateful mean" sermons in the church many many Sundays as a child through the years....and I paid for that on a regular "beating" basis..it made me sick to my stomach and heart and soul to listen to the hate coming out of that preachers mouth all the time...I knew he was "wrong" and he was filled with anger and controlling all these people...so sick...and though I got beat as a child over and over for walking out all those times, I still do not regret that I did walk out of those sermons...I saved my soul...I would not put up with that kind of evil sick crap! I knew as a child that this was not for me....

It's very sad to come from a family of totally repressed people...except their ability to physically abuse you...in that they were not repressed. I still often wonder to myself that the stork just dropped me off at the wrong house and I really did not belong there. From the book "the women who run with the wolves" the author speaks of this and in a tale she describes people that feel this way that we come from the "Zygot" family...we are called "Zygots"...where the stork accidently dropped us off at the wrong house..and we really belonged to that wonderful family about 4 blocks down where we really would fit in "just perfectly"...and the mother and father were good parents...etc...

Though I could not have kids and tried for years...I realize now maybe that was how it was supposed to be...who knows...maybe I would have passed down that hatred like my mother did with me to my own child? But you know I really don't think so...I love children and teens of all ages and I know many fosters kids and have been there for them..I understand a lot of their pain I can relate to them and they always knew they could share and talk with me. Everything happens for a reason...surely there was a reason for all of this in my life? I have learned so much...it still amazes me how far I have come.

It's how to let go and forgive when you know your family doesn't give a rats "A**" about you...but I do know that my mothers mother did the same thing to her and so I do understand in my mind how all these "patterns of abuse" came from...I think my mother was probably a lot like me when she was a child...she probably fought for her soul just like I did...but she gave in to "submission"...and then she finally caved in to her mothers "forceful pressure" once she was an adult...to become a radical fundamental "hell and damnation" baptist chrisitan...or whatever you want to call it...I watched it happen I heard her mothers (my grandmothers) phone calls yelling and preaching at her all the time...and oh by the way did I mention that almost my whole family are all this religion and are very very repressed till this day? To them I am the "evil one" yet I know that in a bizzare way they respect that I've made it thus far all on my own..I'd liked to see them do the same...I really dont' think any of them could.

Forgiveness is a long hard road...but I know it still hurts but not as much...and like yoga for cynics said I do feel lucky and I do take it as a compliment that they want nothing to do with me...

The whole truth and nothing but the truth...hope to learn more lessons along the way..so my little poem story is the post below this...and oh by the way guess what my maiden name was? "King"...I know it's ironic isn't it?

Rhiannon