Monday, December 12, 2011

It's just too much...being in "the system of poverty" is killing me.

Life has gone astray
difficult changes
in so many subtle shades of grey

My life  is endless errands
with deadlines and paperwork
"the system" it never ends.....
I'm so tired....
then to try to rest in between
this is my life now.....

But my soul yearns
to play
oh,  when will I be able to say
"I"m FREE now to chose "when"
in my own time
to the quiet
and thoughtful "Rhymes"
to come to me
to come my way
once again.....

Oh, yes, how my soul yearns to play
please let it open once again
let time stand still
to give me the peace
to write and feel
and to let my souls pen
"Free flow"
once again.

I feel as if I'm owned 
and must follow all rules..
too many responsibilities...
too much for one person to handle...
Tomorrow they will come 
and do the apartment inspections
going through cabinets
looking in my bedroom
and closet 
among other things..
I'm being invaded
my sense of privacy
and to "chose" is gone
because no matter
how hard I tried
for many years...
I became poor
and disabled..
I'm living in the "Survival mode"
every tired..
push yourself beyond your limits
almost every single day Rhiannon..
this is your life...

Anyone who thinks it's "easy" 
to be poor, not enough food,
and not enough time
and not enough freedom
to "chose" "when" 
but instead to always
have to "Jump"!!!.....
Yes,  like the Van Halen song says
"Might as well JUMP, might as well JUMP"
this song comes to my mind all the time
now that I am "owned"
and "in the system"...
it feels like it's killing me....
 I know I am grateful 
I know I should be
and I's so hard..
I don't think most people
would even have a clue
unless it happens to them..
Only then you'll know...
I tried so hard 
to keep this from happening to me
I tried with everything in me
for years....
it's taking away "my life"....
but there it is....
it's called "Survival of the fetus"
and this is the story of  my life...
and has been for a long time now....
sorry to say the truth 
but they say the truth 
shall set you free
yet I don't feel  "free to be"..............
Might as well "Jump" 
because I have to anyway's always something
it never ends.
I'm so tired....

Multi-tasking is not "Normal" 
it's not..
we've gone to far with it..
and I'm no good at it at all..
my brain is constantly frazzled 
with it all.

I still won't give up
on hope, change
and my dreams
to day...yes maybe one day.

"Thoughts" by Rhiannon Dec.  12th, 2011


Belle said...

This was very moving Rhiannon. I'm so sorry your life has become this. It is very similar to my youngest sister's life. She used to be a Marine and then she worked at a good job at NASA. Then she got sick, and sicker and sicker. She can no longer work and her life is poverty and her dreams for this life are gone. My husband and mom support her financially but it is hard. It keeps us in hard circumstances also, but we are managing.

I will pray for you as I do for my sister and hope you will see some good come into your life. May God help you and give you strength, hope and peace.

Rhiannon said...

Thank you so much Belle. I struggle with this alone, no help, and also help my sister learn how the "system' works, what to do, and I am also her "taxi" so it's just been so so hard. My family is not interested in me and I know that. However, they do like to make sure my sister is and that I "am" taking care of her so she won't end up on the street. Sucking me dry. I want a life! I want to chose.

So thank you for stopping by and commenting and your nice wishes for me. I have a huge load to carry and I know it is making my disabilities much worse, which is really so opposite of the way "the system" should be..they work you to death, just to do the paperwork and to constantly "prove" everything. I absolutely hate it. I feel as if my soul is being ripped out of me at times.

Your sister is lucky to have family help her. I have often wondered what is that like? Because I've never had a clue about that. Not whining just plain old blunt truth..facing it may help me down the road to day maybe.

Thank you again Belle for understanding a bit of what I am constantly going through.


Lydia said...

This is a passion-plea poem, Rhi. Quite masterful, in the sense of poetry. Quite worrisome, in the sense that it was written by someone I care about and worry about. I urge you to find escape in your art. You have been blessed with such a gift, something many do not have, and it can be your release and solace during times when you feel your privacy is taken from you. I wish I could alter the situation for you. If I won the big lottery, you could count on it!

Please paint. And meditate. And take care of special you.