Thursday, October 09, 2008

Acceptance....and the ability to be vulnerable "Now"..

And so now they tell me that I have permanent brain damage
I got the test results
and it will not improve
but progress....

I guess I've known this for a while
as I've felt my cognitive skills
and my inability to multi-task deteriorate
I've felt my brain
not able to send the right signals
to my body from time to time
so I tried to wish the problem away
the numbness in my limbs
my hands
the vertigo
the great fatigue
I thought it was just stress
of living on survival mode for so long
now I know better.....

and so now I must once again
continue to be strong in spirit
to await the diagnosis
of one of the three
MS, Brain Trauma injury
or a few strokes
I might of had in the last 5 years
without even realizing it..

But you know what?
I think I figured something out
Yes, things are and will change
for me in a big way
yes, my life will change
and it already has
but I will adapt
and I know in my heart
that I still "got it"
the creativity of being a right brainer
the poems, the art
that still works!
that's a miracle
and I also have people in my life now
that are actually there for me
to give me loving support
and friendship
for being without a family
and on my own for so long
this in itself is the "Miracle"
people that love and care about me...

I'm slowly finding my way
to acceptance..
and that in itself is healing..

I'm going to be okay
and I'm going to get through this
to the other side of my spirit
that calls and beckons to me
to continue on the path
of the "True Test of Miracles"
I surrender in the knowledge
of acceptance with imperfect grace.

Written by Rhiannon Oct.9th, 2008 *copyrights owned by Rhiannon (Barbara R.)*


Kylita said...

I am one of your Family, SisSTAR Rhi, and you know I'm here in the airwaves for you. I know you can close your eyes and feel my big ol' bear hug and a kiss on the cheek and I applaud your posting here, esp the last part of how you've still "got it" and you certainly do!! Use those great positive affirmations not so much to deny what you are being told, but to "look beyond appearances" and KNOW that you are perfect and whole and balanced in everyway, everyday ... my name is SisSTAR Kylita and I have approved this message ;oD
Loving thoughts and wishes are sent to you this morning from the 'burbs of Detroit, Michigan!
KLH-"keep laughin' honey" xoxo

Art and Poetry said...

I am sorry to hear of your illness. I agree it is good to stay positive! I have found that out of suffering and pain we somehow seem to gain but how this works I do not know.


Muhd Imran said...

I am so sorry to learn about your condition. You are strong and have that great drive to live your life the best you can despite the odds.

It is inspiring as you give others hope and courage to face their own demons in life. You are, my dear friend a miracle. A beautiful soul.

My thoughts are always with you. I will say a little prayer for your wellness in my daily prayers.

Kylita said...

SisSTAR Rhi ... I hope you will go check out this blog friend's site as she has posted some very good music (like you always do) and the Peter Gabriel duet is one I think you will like:

(you'll have to type it out or go to my blog, she commented on my last post of my photo under 'dancin' fool')

sending you lots of good love and peace! KLH

RiverSoul said...

What ails you, Rhi?
I know it hurts... But won't you let us ease your pain?
Speak out!!
Let it flow like you have let it in ur beautiful, painfilled poem
We are with you, till the very end of time, Dont you Forget,....

YogaforCynics said...

I sometimes think about the way a dog reacts to losing a limb, pretty much charging around on three legs in no time as if there were never four...and the reason for that, of course is acceptance, or, more precisely, never once having the thought that anything other than acceptance is an option, but rather knowing, instinctually, "this is as it is" and moving on with wishes to you in this difficult time.

Frances Mackay said...

What a blow Rhianna! You are such a loyal person. Please stay positive. I've just posted a spring piece. Maybe the photos will help? I do hope so. So sorry I've been so selfishly involved with my own world, I will not forget again. Thinking of you - Frances.

ardi -- poet of light said...

Rhi, It is always hard for me to know what to say with the news of an illness as yours. If I were with you as a friend I would hold your hand, look into your eyes and listen. And know that hearts speak louder by love. When they say, "it will not improve, but progress..." they speak from a conventional, flat-line reality. I know you are above that in creating a better reality. Spirit always improves. Live in the best of all that life has to offer. Accept only love. It grows, it multiplies. And you are its agent.
Love you. --Ardi

RiverSoul said...

Hats off to you, Rhi.
I'm just amazed at your strength and courage. I know for sure, that if I were in your place, i'd not live to see the sunrise. Its a very hard life you've been through. I'm extremely relieved to see that its just a break you are taking.
You know, Rhi. Whenever you feel the need to contact your friend again, my email is
Its been very nice having your company in this online world,
And I pray with all my heart that your problems are solved as soon as possible.
I know your smoke intolerance. I have the same problem. And its great to see that you are getting a smoke free haven.
I wish with all my heart, Rhi, that you get to be better soon.
As I said, its a world with very little love and care. Its up to us to spread the warmth. And I really need all of the most wonderful people on the planet for this.

Don't worry, Rhi.
Everything will turn out fine.
B positive.
And come online and visit ur admirer's Blogs ONLY when time permits. Don't go out of ur way for this.
God Bless,
All the very best of luck for your future.
And do update me once in a while.
We care for you.

Paul Maurice Martin said...

As someone whose been in a similar boat, let me say that "imperfect grace" strikes me as the perfect phrase...

Depending on the exact diagnosis, it sounds like you could have quite a bit more or less to adapt to.

Peg said...

Hi Rhi, speechless is not something I am not proud to be but right now it is how I feel. I pray for you and the best to come of the situation.

Tho life's dark path leads on and on
and many have lost their way
the light does spread its mighty rays
and shines through the opague glass

and journey we must and not slow down
for the vines would drag us deep
and the farmer's spade cut the wounds to bleed
and left we would be shriveled and old

but you and I shall sail the heights
for the ground is not our plight
and the trees rejoice with the birds' new nests
and the songs in morn they sing

and the sky turns blue with the silky clouds
and the air is fresh and clean
and your face shall shine
like the beacons warn
and will be strength to those who see

Sail on and high Rhi!
all my love and prayers,

J. Andrew Lockhart said...

powerful! all of your work always are - thank you for letting us see it. :)
(hope all is well with you)

Art and Poetry said...

It is powerful! I have also had illness, I do tai chi and meditations and I find this helps. Someone said to me the other day that everyone lives in their own mind and it is true if you think about it. The brain can heal itself given time I am dyslexic my brain has never been perfect this is why my comments can be a bit odd.

S.L. Corsua said...

I hope that writing this post, and your reply above, has eased your burden somehow, for writing can be a path to healing. It is a form of release for pent-up... anything. Thank you for sharing your words, your experience. Your strength shows through the fact of your survival. Though it may wane at times, trust that it is never gone until you will it to. I am a mere stranger passing by, yet I do pray that you finally receive the blessing of "a nice and safe place for [you] and [your] kitty who [you've] managed to keep and take care of all these years somehow."

zhouzhou said...

You are a very strong and very brave woman.I am sure that your life will be better, you should think of the happy things in every day. Your friends are love and care for you.I hope you can write about your soul and heart, then you will have more friends.
If you keep the passion you will change life to make it better.
I hope you are happy, healthy, open-minded every day