Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Into the light...Dad

My Dad went into "the light" and passed on last night in the late evening. He was in no pain, and peacefully sleeping.  He had been in acute constant pain in the last two months, almost unbearable. No more pain. His passing was 6 days after his Birthday and it was a full moon last night when he passed. I watched the moon shining so brightly through my living room window with a big grey cloud with bright pink lining, all around it,  hovering over the top of the moon.  It slowly covered the moon up, until only a tiny sliver of moonlight showing at the bottom. As I watched it I kept "feeling" and saying outloud, "Go into the light Dad, be at peace, you can let go now".  I imagined a white light wrapped around him like an embrace. That was when I got the call from my sister, saying my Dad had just passed on. Now whenever I see a dark grey cloud, with pink light around the edges, slowly covering a full moon, with only a sliver of moonlight showing at the bottom, I will always think of my Father knowing he is at peace now.

Talking with my older sister Karen, who had called me that Dad had passed on....and talking to my mother, both on the phone, trading the phone back and fourth to talk to me, we discussed a plan for me to come for a visit in the mid or late Spring. They both went out of their way to tell me they will pay for the plane fare "both ways", and pick me up when I arrive at LAX. I didn't want to burden them about my "food situation", or my not having enough money for plane fare, etc..  Since I get Oregon State Food stamps only, and not sure where I would stay while visiting there. I didn't know how to explain so they would understand and I felt kind of embarrassed about it. My Mom and sister both said  "no worries, you will stay with Mom,  so no worries about food, or where you'll stay and this is not a burden it is a "blessing".  Who would have thought that reaching out to one another during my Father's failing health and difficult times, (along with his passing on) in the last few months,  that it would actually bring a "healing connection" back with my Mother and older Sister down in the San Fernando Valley, in Los Angeles county?  I just hope I can handle the smog down there.  I'm told it's much better now because of the strict Environmental laws down there.

Right about now I feel like I'm somewhere between the Twilight Zone and the  Outer limits! I'm even hearing the "Do do do do do do, and the "there is nothing wrong with your tv, you do not need to adjust it, for you are now in the Outer Limits. I'm pretty spaced out, but it's a good kind of spaced out. I feel kind of "numb" but I know I am just going through a process of "change" and hopefully onward to a better and happier life.

Thank you for telling me you loved me two weeks ago Dad. And I got to tell you I loved you too. Your in the "Eternal light" now at peace.


6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Barbara,
I just saw your blog - so sorry to hear about your Dad. I remember him well, I always thought you were his favorite. But what a blessing that it has brought you closer to your mother & Karen. Looks like you have been through a lot the last few years. The last few times I visited the Valley it was not as smoggy as when we lived there! Thinking of you,
Debbie

Rhiannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Barbara,
I do not have a yahoo email address for you. Please send it to me and we will catch up!
Debbie

Rhiannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
goatman said...

You had better go than not, down south. What a chance to rejoin your family.
I gave my dad his last shave as he lie in a hospice bed. He was out of it but not on any support except some meds to help with oxygen supply.

My thoughts are with you -- we each go through this parting.

Rhiannon said...

Don't worry Goatman I am going, but not until June. Because my sister says they need to "fix the house first for my Mom and I both". It will take a few months. My Dad never let repairs be done or "Updated" to the house and so they are ripping apart the whole kitchen (pipes and plumbing and all) and putting all new things in it. Same for bathroom also. It's the same house I grew up in. It will be so odd when I arrive at LAX and then go back to my "home" as a child.

My mother and I call each other and talk on the phone a few times a week. A "healing has begun" already.

Thank you again. I'm going to be seeing nephews and meeting their baby girls (for the first time)and it will just be me as one person seeing the "extended generations" of family I have not seen for so long. I saw the nephews when they were babies!

My father in his "living will" was very clear and he stipulated what he wanted and "how",etc. I think those "wishes" (which he even addressed in the hospital to my mother and sister, when he was still a bit "clear")..is what brought my family and I together. I have no idea about my younger sister anymore, and that's the truth! I gave of myself to her (so many times through the years)to try to help her in every way I could. And what she did in response to that was horrific! But I will get over that..in time. I do feel sad for her, her utter selfishness, never thinks of anyone but herself, "bottom line".