Thursday, February 26, 2009

I'm going to be off blogger for a bit...public housing called me today!

Dear dear sweet understanding, kind fellow bloggers. I got a call today from the public housing authority...finally after almost 2 years and a half of waiting! I got at the top of the list!..."But"..there's a catch..they apparently have a "few openings" for apartment housing and they have a few people they are trying to decide who to "pick"and decide on...I had no clue they did it this way I"m at the top of the list but I guess well there is more "paperwork" and "red tape" for me to go through. I must fill out forms and give them more info about "me" and my health issues, etc..I always wondered why the housing people did not have all this in the paperwork forms in the first place when I first applied! Anyway I have much info and am happy to show them and fill out all the info... someone will drive me to the public housing authority tomorrow to pick up those papers to fill out the forms they want more info on and start getting Drs, letters and copies of things and all the "red tape crap' they want..been there done that...over and over...this is called "the system" and the ones disabled and needing help and no place to live are the ones that do all of the foot work and "paperwork"...okay dokey! Except of course if you have family members that can help you out with doing all this stuff..which around here a lot of people do have family members help them to take care of all this red tape paperwork...but I've been doing it on my own for a long long long time now..

Hope to get all the info they need ASAP and then turn it all in and wait for the best and to accept that if I am not picked at this moment in time than maybe someone else worse off than me will be picked...and if they don't have a family and are completely alone like me, with serious health issues than I will accept this...and understand. But waiting almost 2 years has "NOT" been easy...and I'm just so burned out not having my own place to live and having to help the people I live with out so much and do so much work it's wearing me down...want my own bathroom...want my own kitchen so I can go in there and cook myself a healthy meal instead of what I've been having to go through for over a year everyone else...second class citizen am I...this family I live with is sure going to miss me when I'm gone!....only then will they realize how much I've been doing for all of them..yet I must say they have been good to me letting me stay here and I know I will leave here with my integrity and dignity intact..

I will hopefully have "Sancturary" soon and when I get settled and have my own place I shall sleep when I want, rest up, take a bath...have "Privacy" finally!!! oh god I so miss having a bath(can only shower here every few days and must wait for everyone else to do their shower first..and I must always rush and hurry about it)..sigh...'s always been so relaxing for me to have a nice relaxing bath.....haven't had one in over a year!...soon now (I hope) my time will be "my Own" not someone else''s about time..I've been feeling so "trapped"..I need my freedom my independence back...I cannot take care of and babysit people any to take care of I can find myself my creativity my writing, get it all slowly back once again..losing the most important part of yourself that keeps you can never imagine what that feels like unless you've gone through it....

So, I've got so much on my plate now, so I won't be blogging for a bit...wish me luck and think good thoughts of me that I will "Finally" have a little place to "Call my own" finally after 2 years or so of losing myself "in the red tape" of this backwards crazy system of ours in this country.

I could not stay at the homeless shelters (though I tried) because of the drug addicts, prostitutes and smokers and violent people that seem to stay there a lot...they sneak in knives and guns and's very scary and very dangerous...I thought if I had not been able to live with these people at their house I would have chosen to live in my car rather than a shelter....I would be more safe in my car than a shelter.

Blessings to all of you and I will be back to blogging when I you all.


Thursday, February 19, 2009

Running up that Hill video song by Kate Bush

This song and video is my very favorite of Kate Bush's. They rarely showed this video in the 80's on MTV other than very very late at night. So I would stay up late to see it then taped it. Kate is so talented always ahead of her time I thought. She's never been very popular in the U.S. not sure why. She produces her own musical works...she writes the lyrics, the music, plays piano, other instruments and as you can see is great at ballet and modern dance...very unique and lovely video...and beautiful song indeed..."Let's exchange the experience"...:o) of her lines from this song. I hope you enjoy the video theme, song and lovely artistic dancing.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Happy Valentines Day to All...

This poem below is dedicated to all my blog friends...a poem I wrote from my blog archive. I hope you all have a lovely Valentines day.

As for me Valentines Day has always been a very difficult day each year for me. Special memories through the many years with my former soulmate...Valentines day being his Birthday, our first date, the day he had proposed to me...and plus Valentines Day!..all rolled into one...Try as I might, those wonderful memories through those years of our very special "Day" brings tears to my heart. Those memories will always be with me, much as I've tried to delete them from my memory...I am unable to...along with the bad memories of what happened towards the last year of our was kind of like one of those women "Liftetime" TV movies...if you know what I mean? I felt as if I was in some kind of a bizarre nightmare, a bad dream. He turned into a different person a different man..he was no longer who I knew him to be. He was cruel, hurtful and it devastated my heart...during that least those cruel memories of what he and his new girlfriend did to me "on purpose" for whatever sick vindictive reason they may have had during that time..well at least those memories are not fresh in my mind and heart. Times like these special days, you wish you could have a "delete" button to erase the wonderful and the cruel memories from your heart and mind forever.

But then again all of the lessons and what had happened and has happened to me since those many years ago have taught me much about myself. I am a dedicated, loving, trustworthy woman..and always will be...regardless of what others think of me...or mock me for being faithful and true to my heart...I shall always remain with my integrity, dignity and who I am in my soul, still intact.. I know I am a survivor!. But I'd like more in life than just that. I know I deserve better. But still scared as h** to be able to trust and be vulnerable with someone...without them taking advantage or the time to get to know and accept "me" as I will or " would" them. I know that "special someone" will need to be very patient and understanding with me..I've got a long road to go...but the path looks a bit clearer now. And if it never happens, I know who I am and that somehow I will be just fine on my I have been for the last 11 years...with a few relationships here and there in between and an engagement 7 years ago that failed because it just wasn't meant "to be".

I know my heart can open...but only when I know it can and not have it ripped up in the process. I hope you enjoy the romantic poem. I'm a Pisces and a Chinese astrology Rabbit...with Leo rising! that pretty much says it all!...:o)

Angelic Blessings,


Velvet Petals

Two souls mending
and blending
on a path of roses
scattered along
the beds of dawn...
Blending in essence
of hearts opening..
Petals softly fall
delicately touching the ground...
a soul with a tear
glistening on velvet....

*Copyrights owned by Rhiannon (Barbara) November 2005*

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Captivity.....another poem I wrote from my archives


In the distance
I hear an echoing
of cries
almost animalistic
in it's language...

I search through the dark wooded path
looking towards a bright beaming light
it crackles and spits out sparks
that seem to rise above
like glistening stars
looking down on midnite
reminding me
of the mystical ancient times long ago
that never held us captive
but in an essence of rapture
that was captivating
and enlightening all souls...

Written March 2006 by Rhiannon (Barbara) Copyrights owned by me..